Breaking Dawn leaked

Apparently some random gorcery store released Breaking Dawn early and the first 7 chapters were available in .pdf format. I took a peek, and really, I don’t really see why throngs of people are killing each other for the thing. I waited until the official release date came to air my two cents, and just a warning, long rant ahead. Stephenie Meyer makes me want to blog about books like no other, though I’m not sure this is a good thing.

First, a short synopsis of the first 7 chapters – I read the beginning and end of New Moon, and barely skimmed through Eclipse, so reading all seven chapters was already a feat, but I will admit that it was all I could do to not throw my poor Chisu across the room at times.

Bella gets engaged to Edward, has a sumptuous wedding, a rather disastrous encounter with the erstwhile missing Jacob, goes off on a tropical island with Edward to honeymoon, has bruising sex and then ends knocked up. Also add a bit panicking, angsting and lots of purple prose.

See? I can be concise.

Now, for the rant.

Bella spends the entire first chapter bemoaning her fate, because her gorgeous, hunky (as in marble) boyfriend bought her a super expensive car that hasn’t been released in Europe or North America yet (um, so where is it released? Sir Edward Cullenland?). It’s so HORRIBLE to have someone literally shower you with money. Yup. So first chapter = Bella going, STOP STARING AT ME. She hates the attention so much she needs to mention it for 7 pages straight.

And what are the chances of two car-savvy people noticing it in tiny Forks and then taking photos of the car?

Whatever. Putting that down to serendipity.

The wedding bits were okay, typical mush fare, and Jacob’s presence provided some common sense (such as: Bella, do not have sex with a super strong vampire who may rip you to bits in the heat of passion) but alas, he was shot down. And really, Bella’s kind of insensitive (to others – she’s plenty sensitive for herself) to poor Jake here. Here’s to hoping he finds a gorgeous gal who appreciates him and has her head screwed on right. (Or you know, Seth would work too.)

So, Bella is dragged along to some tropical island off the coast of Brazil. It’s called… wait for it… Isle Esme. Yup. Then there’s this whole bit about Edward angsting that he bruised Bella all over during their first night of sex, and I applaud Bella’s ability to not feel an entire body-full of bruising. Then there’s more angst and unhappiness, interrupted by Bella’s nightmares about baby vampires and eating lots of nice healthy proteins like eggs, bacon and the like.

As if all those nightmares and sudden outbursts of longing for an adorable green-eyed baby weren’t obvious enough, Bella realizes one morning, after copious vomiting (don’t ask), that she’s missed her period by five days. And that her belly is uh. Distinctly in a delicate way.

Note that ONLY 17 DAYS HAVE PASSED SINCE THEY FIRST HAD SEX.

Basic biology going for a roller coaster ride? If she’s throwing up, getting a bump and feeling movement, then she’s already in the end of her first trimester. The first trimester, as the name implies, is 3 months long. WTF?? S.M. has been pregnant before. She knows what’s up. If Bella has a demon vampire baby that results in accelerated pregnancy, I am going to call shenanigans. Also, S.M.’s explanation of why girl vampires can’t be pregnant/boy vampires are fertile is absolute crap. The human body needs to change to produce zygotes in both genders, you twat. Albeit less change happens in the male, but it’s still change.

Anyway, this book is basically all drama-drama-drama. Plus babies. I think I’ll skip, thanks, though I want to know what happens to Jacob. I just can’t stand Bella anymore. Auuuugh.

Going in search of some brain bleach now,

Sevenses

It struck me as I was reading that we really need a new category of Sue-dom. I vote we call the new one Bella Sue, for all twee heroines who moan and groan and can’t do anything but end up landing a stupendous guy (made of marble, let’s not forget, thank you, S.M.) who tolerates and loves her idiot ways.