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Breaking Dawn leaked

Saturday, August 2, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

Apparently some random gorcery store released Breaking Dawn early and the first 7 chapters were available in .pdf format. I took a peek, and really, I don’t really see why throngs of people are killing each other for the thing. I waited until the official release date came to air my two cents, and just a warning, long rant ahead. Stephenie Meyer makes me want to blog about books like no other, though I’m not sure this is a good thing.

First, a short synopsis of the first 7 chapters – I read the beginning and end of New Moon, and barely skimmed through Eclipse, so reading all seven chapters was already a feat, but I will admit that it was all I could do to not throw my poor Chisu across the room at times.

Bella gets engaged to Edward, has a sumptuous wedding, a rather disastrous encounter with the erstwhile missing Jacob, goes off on a tropical island with Edward to honeymoon, has bruising sex and then ends knocked up. Also add a bit panicking, angsting and lots of purple prose.

See? I can be concise.

Now, for the rant.

Bella spends the entire first chapter bemoaning her fate, because her gorgeous, hunky (as in marble) boyfriend bought her a super expensive car that hasn’t been released in Europe or North America yet (um, so where is it released? Sir Edward Cullenland?). It’s so HORRIBLE to have someone literally shower you with money. Yup. So first chapter = Bella going, STOP STARING AT ME. She hates the attention so much she needs to mention it for 7 pages straight.

And what are the chances of two car-savvy people noticing it in tiny Forks and then taking photos of the car?

Whatever. Putting that down to serendipity.

The wedding bits were okay, typical mush fare, and Jacob’s presence provided some common sense (such as: Bella, do not have sex with a super strong vampire who may rip you to bits in the heat of passion) but alas, he was shot down. And really, Bella’s kind of insensitive (to others – she’s plenty sensitive for herself) to poor Jake here. Here’s to hoping he finds a gorgeous gal who appreciates him and has her head screwed on right. (Or you know, Seth would work too.)

So, Bella is dragged along to some tropical island off the coast of Brazil. It’s called… wait for it… Isle Esme. Yup. Then there’s this whole bit about Edward angsting that he bruised Bella all over during their first night of sex, and I applaud Bella’s ability to not feel an entire body-full of bruising. Then there’s more angst and unhappiness, interrupted by Bella’s nightmares about baby vampires and eating lots of nice healthy proteins like eggs, bacon and the like.

As if all those nightmares and sudden outbursts of longing for an adorable green-eyed baby weren’t obvious enough, Bella realizes one morning, after copious vomiting (don’t ask), that she’s missed her period by five days. And that her belly is uh. Distinctly in a delicate way.

Note that ONLY 17 DAYS HAVE PASSED SINCE THEY FIRST HAD SEX.

Basic biology going for a roller coaster ride? If she’s throwing up, getting a bump and feeling movement, then she’s already in the end of her first trimester. The first trimester, as the name implies, is 3 months long. WTF?? S.M. has been pregnant before. She knows what’s up. If Bella has a demon vampire baby that results in accelerated pregnancy, I am going to call shenanigans. Also, S.M.’s explanation of why girl vampires can’t be pregnant/boy vampires are fertile is absolute crap. The human body needs to change to produce zygotes in both genders, you twat. Albeit less change happens in the male, but it’s still change.

Anyway, this book is basically all drama-drama-drama. Plus babies. I think I’ll skip, thanks, though I want to know what happens to Jacob. I just can’t stand Bella anymore. Auuuugh.

Going in search of some brain bleach now,

Sevenses

It struck me as I was reading that we really need a new category of Sue-dom. I vote we call the new one Bella Sue, for all twee heroines who moan and groan and can’t do anything but end up landing a stupendous guy (made of marble, let’s not forget, thank you, S.M.) who tolerates and loves her idiot ways.

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  1. MissLyanne
    Saturday, August 2, 2008 at 10:41 am

    i havent even read this but by the sounds of it ….it blows. Thank u S.M.! i enjoyed the first 3 but this is so farfetched and simply moranic! i cant take it! fans everywhere will want s.meyer’s head on a stick!

    toodles!

  2. Lina
    Sunday, August 3, 2008 at 4:57 am

    I wouldn’t be too excited about Jacob, he was my favorite character but Smeyer also found a way to ruin him. He imprints on Bella’s mutant baby. As if that wasn’t enough the name of the monster is Renesme. Then they also find another mutant baby, Bella gets turned into a vampire and she helps the Cullens. Also, the freaky kid will grow much faster and then miraculously stop growing to stay forever young.

  3. Emma
    Sunday, August 3, 2008 at 7:00 am

    Emma_walker_9@hotmail@hotmail.com pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeeeee! gimme the first seven chapters!!!!

    xxxxxxxxxxx

  4. Emma
    Sunday, August 3, 2008 at 7:01 am

    Emma_walker_9@hotmail.com

    ok that’s the correct email :S sorry i typed it wrong, but seriously please send the seven chapters!

    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. sevenses
    Sunday, August 3, 2008 at 11:09 am

    I tried to email it but the file turned out to be too large, as a result, I am uploading it on Megaupload and sharing it with whoever can find the upload link on this page. 😀

  6. .
    Sunday, August 3, 2008 at 12:19 pm

    Accelerated pregnancy is due to the baby being partially vampire…that’s explained whether you don’t like that explanation or not

    The reason the guys are so shocked to see the car is because it hasn’t been released yet at all obviously, that’s why they’re all “where could you possibly have gotten it”

    Oh and good god what else is there to do in a town like Forks but find a hobby.

  7. idabi
    Sunday, August 3, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    Hmm. I thought vampires were dead. Eww, anyone sensing Bella=necrophilia?

  8. Mellanie
    Sunday, August 3, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    I agree. But my main dissappointment is’nt the mutant baby or the lack of bloodshed. I am almost depressed at what she did to her charecters. What happened to the clumsy teenage Bella we all love? Why did Jacob turn all grown up and turn out to be some big retard? How could Edward POSSIBLY want Jacob to have sex with Bella? I miss the good old days with the original novel, Twilight. I don’t know if Midnight Sun will be as bad of a screw as Breaking Dawn.

  9. Neechan
    Sunday, August 3, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    LOLOLOL!!! XDXD MUTANT BABY HAHAHAHA

    RE:CAR–> HE GOT IT IN CHINA OBVIOUSLY!!! XD

    *is incoherent with laughter*

  10. Alice
    Monday, August 4, 2008 at 1:50 am

    Oh my freaking god.

    I completely agree. Seriously, live our your own sick housewife fantasies much? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty darn positive that dead people are infertile. And ‘Renesmee’? Wait- better yet, “Renesmee CARLIE”?! Could she get any more stereotypical?

    This deserves a new category of ‘awful’. Even new writers get the hint that sudden and weird impregnation is a no-no, let alone all the other interesting junk she crammed in there.

    The only good part was the ending. And that’s being extremely generous. I didn’t find a plot, the characters are all messed up, (what kind of a writer doesn’t know their own characters? Jacob and Edward all buddy-buddy wtf?) and everyone turns out perfect in the end. Of course. Because that’s how real relationships work. People too. Everyone loves each other in the end, especially werewolves and vampires who are SWORN ENEMIES.

    Blech. Oh, and they’re not even ‘werewolves’ of course! They’re ‘shape-shifters’, if everyone’s going to get technical. And Alice had to come in and save the day, Bella is an angst bucket and Edward stands awkwardly off to the side even though everything ends up perfect. Including smex every night.

    For a married woman, she’s pretty clueless, I believe.

    Yeah. I agree. Bring on the brain bleach. The first few books were good, hovering a little on stereotypicalness but good, but this one pushed it over the edge. I cannot /wait/ to see what SM puts on her site after all the backlash she’ll be getting.

    Thank-you Stephenie Meyer, for wasting a good six hours of my life.

  11. Frequentflyer120
    Monday, August 4, 2008 at 3:02 am

    this is a shame. but i’m glad i know all this now. and I kinda could tell the story was dragging on and on and on by the second book. this SO did not have to be four books. two woulda done it. i’m just waiting for midnight sun. because everyone loves an angsty vampire over an angsty teenage girl. (most of her readers are already or have been angsty girls…who wants to relive that kind of hell? lol)

  12. sierra
    Monday, August 11, 2008 at 6:24 am

    i mean, i never really understood the whole twilight saga in the first place. i hated bella and the only character i really liked was jacob. and even he was a bit meh.

    the whole story reads like a bad fanfic.

  13. Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 8:04 pm

    Omigoodness. I can’t beleive she turned Jacob Black- my favorite character- a phedophile! I mean when Quil or Paul or whoever liked a two year old, sure, why not..but Jacob? And aren’t werewolves supposed to find vampires disgustng? How is that relationship going to work out? Everything about SM’s newest book is mush. And I loved the first three books. >.<

  14. BEAUTIFLY101
    Friday, April 10, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Omg what are ye on?!
    I LOVED Breaking Dawn ❤

    Of course, Twilight is naturally my favourite out of the Saga, but still i thought Breaking Dawn was fantastic. It doesn’t sound as if any of you are into Twilight, because of the terrible reviews you gave Breaking Dawn.

    Bella named her child Renesme. GET OVER IT! Okay, you’re entitled to your own opinion, but could you put it in a nicer way? And at least respect Stephenie for writing Breaking Dawn?

    ❤ Sorry if this offended anyone!! ❤

  15. Saturday, February 2, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    That fight scene… almost happened. Or did it?

    Here’s our take with (some) humor and pictures if you’re interested:

    http://fortresstakes.wordpress.com/2013/01/31/the-twilight-saga-breaking-dawn-part-2-2012/

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