Home > Movies, Parodies > A Frozen Flower, the parody

A Frozen Flower, the parody

Wednesday, August 26, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

So, the formal review will be up at dramabeans.com, yay for me actually pulling myself together enough to write again. But I know you’re not here to listen to me whinge, so here’s something funny for you to take home.

Also: strong R warning for language. Adult movie = adult recap.

Frozen Flower, the parody

Ahem.

PROLOGUE, SO THE PLEBES WILL UNDERSTAND: In the year of Tumpty-tumpty-tumpty-one there was a king who wanted to rule a happy realm full of well-fed people, kittens, puppies, and rainbow sparklepires. Well, what he got was a pretty troop of cute boys all in purple because the evil Mongolian nomads of the Yuan dynasty were oppressing (read: being stronger than) the noble and long-suffering country of Goryeo. They functioned as royal bodyguards and generally beat the crap out of anyone who twitched incorrectly at the king.
AUDIENCE: … You could have just said he wanted a reverse harem.
PROLOGUE: LOOK, I DON’T WRITE THIS STUFF, OKAY? Moving on!!
ME: Incidentally this is also the last bit of historical stuff in the movie. So sit back and enjoy, guys.

KING SOMETHING OR OTHER: So who knows how best to serve a king?
[Insert joke about ‘serving a king’.]
SOME KID: Blah.
SOME OTHER KID: Blah.
IMPORTANT KID, whom we learn later is named HONG LIM: One has to be ready to sacrifice one’s life.
AUDIENCE: Damn, the king needs to eat more. What’s with the sickly, hollow-eyed famine poster look?

KING: Okay, recruits, show some pretty for daddy!
HONG LIM: THE STRENGTH OF MY SINCERITY SURPASSES ALL!
SOME KID: *administers crushing beat down*
HONG LIM: D:
SOME KID: So much for your sincerity, sucker.

Later, at night…

HONG LIM: Swing up and to the side, and then chop with speed in the direction of the diagonal so as to open the abdomen of the opponent and spill all viscera!
AUDIENCE: Yer doin’ it wrong, kid.
KING: Want some special tutoring?
HONG LIM: *would nod but is frozen in a kind of awed terror*
KING: Here‘s how you handle a sword.
ME: That is sick. So he met his one true love when he was still a prepubescent?! Oh god, the pedophilia!

A while later

EUNUCH: Your wife has arrived, your majesty.
KING: WHATEVER. Keep playing the table harp, Hong Lim.
HONG LIM: Um… it’s your queen.
KING: So?
HONG LIM: So her relatives are the ones with the ten thousand horses and armies of doom. Maybe you shouldn’t annoy her?
KING: Nah.
AUDIENCE: We can see where you might not be the best king ever.

Fast forward a decade or so…

HORSES: [gallop]
PEOPLE: [chase]
ME: Any minute now, there’s going to be a cart in the road and some daring getaway moves…
HAN-BAEK, future eloper: Wah, can’t I just run away with the girl I love?
HONG LIM: NO.
HAN-BAEK: [cries]
HONG LIM: YOU SWORE SERVICE TO THE KING.
HAN-BAEK: But I’ll be killed!
EVERYONE ELSE: Yeah. It’s the rules. Sucks to be you.

KING: Kill them both.
HONG LIM: Bu-bu-but-
KING: What?
HONG LIM: [puppy face]
KING: Damn. Fine. Don’t kill them.
HONG LIM: YAY! [goes off to tell everyone]

VICE-CAPTAIN SEUNG-KI: So the pillow-talk strategy worked.
HONG LIM: HOW DARE YOU IMPUGN THE GOOD NAME OF THE KING?!
VICE-CAPTAIN: Woah there with the swords.
HONG LIM: APOLOGIZE OR I CARVE MY INITIALS ON YOUR NOSE.
VICE-CAPTAIN: The lady doth protest too much.
HONG LIM: Humph. [flounces away to brush the king’s hair]

HONG LIM: Lalala! [brushing the king’s hair]
ME: You thought I was kidding about the hair-brushing, didn’t you?
KING: Ah, this is the life.
EUNUCH: The queen enters.
HONG LIM: Crap.
QUEEN: My relatives are coming. They think you not having an heir after 10 years of marriage is somewhat ridiculous and will no doubt be unhappy with you.
KING: Okay.
QUEEN: You know, we could actually do something instead of talk about having an heir.
KING: Now you’re just being silly.
QUEEN: ARGH.

Garden, royal palace

QUEEN: Hong Lim. There is no heir. I am not getting laid. I’m sure you see the connection.
HONG LIM: … there’s nothing I can do.
QUEEN: For starters you can STOP SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND.
HONG LIM: You DO need to get laid.
QUEEN: ARGH.

Some random hill, with a pavillion on it…

KING: Ah, springtime is good. Why don’t you sing for us?
QUEEN: Uh, have you forgotten about that time with the vase exploding?
KING: Yep. Anyway, my dove, would you like to listen to the queen?
Hong Lim: … Er?
KING: See? He says yes.
QUEEN: Humph. [sings] Don’t leave me… alas, my love, that we never touch…
ME: Oh god, the emo.

ASSASSINS: [suddenly assassing]
HONG LIM: OMGWTFBBQ PROTECT THE KING!
KING: Hong Lim, MY LOVE!
QUEEN: Um, I think you’re supposed to come with me. To safety.
HONG LIM: I CONCUR.
KING: What are you talking about, I have to stay and keep Hong Lim safe.
AUDIENCE: *facepalm*

HONG LIM: [fighting off four people at the same time]
ASSASSINS: Stabbity.
KING: DAMMIT.
AUDIENCE: Told you.
HONG LIM: DDD:

Somewhere in the palace…

HONG LIM: [busy wallowing]
RANDOM OLD POLITICIAN: I’LL SEE YOU HANG FOR YOUR NEGLIGENCE!!1!!!!11!

KING: How are you, my love? Did you get your injuries treated?
HONG LIM: I’M SO SORRYYYYY! I DESERVE TO DIE!!
AUDIENCE: Hey Herald-Mage Vanyel! We think you might have some competition here!
KING: Oh honeybun, if you hadn’t been there I would have died. *
QUEEN: Barf. Constipation. Ew.
MAIDS AND ATTENDANTS: … what she said.

Palace morgue

OTHER GUARDS: It was the Japanese pirates!
HONG LIM: It wasn’t the Japanese pirates, but instead a complicated conspiracy of inner sanctum nobles trying to seize power.
OTHER GUARDS: Not the pirates?

Audience hall

YUAN EMISSARY: [speaking in what is hopefully Mongolian, cause it sure as hell isn’t any variant of Chinese I know] All hail, bla de bla bla, ye shall give fair maidens and strong lads in the fight against enemies of The Empire (c), verily, for we art thy father nation bla bla and in addition, you need to get to the heir-making, buster, or we replace you with your leering third-cousin who has less morals than unibrows.
KING: [rage]
NOBLES: Ahem.
KING: [bow]
QUEEN: Wait, what? You’re supposed to working for HIM, right? Not attempting to overthrow him??
AUDIENCE: History lessons for the queen, stat.
NOBLES: Isn’t the emissary your brother…?
KING: Whatever. Go screw yourselves.

Later, in the royal chambers

KING: About the heir…
QUEEN: Yes?
KING: You could always have sex with my boytoy and give birth to the cutest non-royal baby ever.
QUEEN: !
KING: Think about it.

HONG LIM: What did the queen say?
KING: Oh, nothing much.
AUDIENCE: The sex is more like they’re eating the other person than anything passionate.
HONG LIM: [post-coital mansnuggle]
KING: Oh, btw, do me a favour and impregnate the queen, will you?
HONG LIM: !

This part is both boring and pornographic, and no, I don’t know how they managed that:

QUEEN and HONG LIM: [busy sexing]
KING: I am an ocean of calm. I am as stone in the fastness of time.
ME: Blah blah blah. Why is it always missionary?
AUDIENCE: There is something so wrong with this whole spying-on-your-lover-and-wife-getting-it-on thing.

Later

KING: SO! Thanks.
HONG LIM: …
KING: HAVE SOME GIFTS.
HONG LIM: …?
KING: YOU LOOK PRETTY IN PINK, KAY?

EXPOSITION DUDE: So this merchant who shipped Japanese weapons? Vamoosed.
EVERYONE ELSE: Fascinating.
HONG LIM: Omg I might love the queen.
AUDIENCE: YOU BARELY KNOW HER. (Also, focus on the job.)
SCRIPTWRITERS: Shut up. OUR PLOT IS BETTER THAN YOURS.

VICE-CAPTAIN, SEUNG-KI: So the merchant is called Ma Young-il, and he was probably selling stuff to Lord Cho, who is in league with your third cousin for the throne, etc etc.
KING: Is that all? Where is Hong Lim?
VICE CAPTAIN, SEUNG-KI: Imightbeinlovewithoyou. I mean, I don’t know, majesty.
AUDIENCE: [facepalm]

In bed

HONG LIM: I SHALL BE EXTRA SNUGGLY TONIGHT.
KING: [my god it is unfair that a sleeping man is so pretty]
ME: Hong Lim what is wrong with you I’d hit that like the fist of an angry god aughh.

Next day

HAN-BAEK: The queen is ill. No feast.
HONG LIM: DD:
KING: … Hong Lim sent the queen medication?
ME: Crap.
HONG LIM: Crap.

QUEEN: Nope. Not pregnant.
KING: [headtable]
AUDIENCE: MOAR MISSIONARY?! AUGH.

HONG LIM: The courtship book for idiots says to buy jewels and shiny things.
QUEEN: Indeed this is … shiny.
ME: I probably have seen uglier, but the trauma has erased it from my mind.

Feast of Fertility

KING: [mope]
QUEEN: [mope]
HONG LIM: [mope]
LORD UNKNOWN, let’s call him LECHERY: So you think it’ll work this time?
LORD CHO: If it is a matter of things working, not ever.
LORD LECHERY: Ahaha! What a clever fellow you are. To plots and lechery!
ROYAL CONCUBINES: [mope]
OTHERS: [quaffing with great vigour]

QUEEN and HONG LIM: [sexing it up again]
ME: OKAY I HAVE NO PATIENCE WITH THESE IDIOTS. THEY DISAPPEAR DURING A FEAST WITH ALL EYES ON THEM FOR A QUICKIE WHERE ANYONE CAN JUST PASS BY??!
EYES: Ow.
ME: AND THEY’LL BE DOING IT LATER ANYWAY. GOD.
READERS OF BLOG: Frackin’ stop it with the allcaps, Sevenses.

Somewhere in Korea

NOBLES: We plot. Look, it’s a historical epic. We always plot.
ME: Point taken.
ASSORTED BOYS IN PURPLE: Dude, I hate night surveillance. Stupid mosquitoes.
VICE-CAPTAIN: Traiters! Scum! Sons of dogs!
HONG LIM: I am late for my assignation with the queen.
THE MOON: Indeed. BRAIN ON THE JOB, MISTER.

At la Casa del Brother-in-law, where they believe in deaf sentries

ME: Oh god, more sexing.
HONG LIM: When I went to see you in the library you were gone!
QUEEN: Well I had to leave for my nephew’s birthday party, what did you expect?
HONG LIM: And now the king suspects I am banging you on the side because I was late debriefing him.
QUEEN: Less talk, more sex.
ME: At least there are more positions this time.
AUDIENCE: Queen needs to work on her sexyface.

QUEEN: Eat my pastries of love, you need the energy.
HONG LIM: Why? I mean, I appreciate it…
QUEEN: So you can ride back to the palace and pretend you were there the entire night?
HONG LIM: Oh.

Meanwhile

KING: SO! My gift for Hong Lim has arrived.
CHIEF EUNUCH: This mare, it is better than the king’s own.
ME: Mare…? Brb, lol-ing forever.
KING: Only the best for my pretty Hong Lim!
AUDIENCE: You’re still the prettiest, Joo Jin-mo!
TIME: [passes by like a whizzing thing]
KING: …
EUNUCH: …
KING: D:<

VICE-CAPTAIN: Luck, be a lovelorn vice captain tonight.
KING: So where's Hong Lim again?
VICE CAPTAIN: I LOVE YOU! BE MINE, RADIANT MAJESTY!
KING: … Monogamous. Sorry.
VICE-CAPTAIN: Right. Embarrassment, thy name is … me.

The Walk of Shame that is more like the Ride of Shame

KING: Where were you?
HONG LIM: Woah, I thought this was my room. And you look awful, did you stay up the whole-
KING: Where. Were. You.
HONG LIM: Uh. The library! I was reading up on my military strategy, cause, you know…
KING: Really. Tell me more about this book you read.
HONG LIM: Um. Stuff and hills and maybe ambush.
ME: You think he didn’t look for you in the library?! Also, you’re screwed.
KING: Let’s see how well you’re doing in sword-fighting, then.

A yard just for fighting, imagine that

HONG LIM: [still failing at swordsmanship]
KING: [still awesome with a side serving of sexy]
ANGST: [abounds] Seriously, at this point angst is a character in this movie. As is INTRIGUE and SEX. (My goodness, it’s the romance trifecta of doom!)
HONG LIM: [sword fail]
KING: YOUR ASS. IS. STILL. MINE.

Another badly-lit warehouse for plotting

ME: It occurs to me that they could cut down on a lot of backstabbing if they just got rid of all the empty houses out there.
HONG LIM: What do you know, traitors all together, and signing their names on this handy piece of evidence!
ROYAL BROTHER-IN-LAW: Caught with my hand in the cookie jar, ohnoes!
ANGST: Just slapping Hong Lim around, nothin’ to see here.

KING: I see.
VICE CAPTAIN: What shall we do?
KING: Kill them all.
ALL: [are killed in bloodbath]
HONG LIM: I am the woobie in this movie!
ME: Uh, that would be the king, until he hits his moral event horizon.
KING: NOW THE QUEEN’S BROTHER MUST ALSO DIE.
HONG LIM: Noooooooooooo…
KING: YOU, HONG LIM, SHALL BE HIS END.
HONG LIM: AUGH.

La casa del Brother-in-law

EVERYONE: [whimper]
HONG LIM: DIE, SCUM.
BROTHER IN LAW: I did it for my sister, wah don’t kill meeeeeeeeeeeee!
HONG LIM: DIE.
BROTHER IN LAW: [cowering somewhere near Hong Lim’s legs]
BLADE: Stabbity.

The land of merciful fadeouts

VICE CAPTAIN: … and so the captain let them all go, because whatshisface wouldn’t let of of his leg and kept wailing about his sister.
KING: I AM BETRAYED.
VICE CAPTAIN: So here’s his head.
KING: Ugh. I have delicate manners, Seung-ki, take the head away.

QUEEN: !!!
HONG LIM: I didn’t kill him. But I’m pretty sure your husband suspects us.
QUEEN: [facepalm]

Palace gardens

HONG LIM: To repent, I shall kneel for 100 days and nights!
KING: Whatever.
HONG LIM: My puppy dog face, it has failed me. PLEASE KILL ME NOW.
AUDIENCE: We mutter something about making beds and lying in them.
KING: WOE.
HONG LIM: I didn’t mean it, honest!
KING: WOE.
HONG LIM: I’m sorry!!
KING: Fine, but only if you’ll hug me and pet me and call me George.
EUNUCHS: Not only naive, also doesn’t read much romance.
ME: …

The library of never-ending sin

QUEEN: I know you’re leaving for the border in about 7 hours, but this cannot wait – I am pregnant!
HONG LIM: This calls for sex!
KING: THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN I AM NOT AWAKE TO WATCH YOU?!?
ALL: Crap.
KING: CASTRATE HIM.
ME: Woah there.

HONG LIM: Where… am I?
GUARDS: The queen told us to get you out in case the king went psycho again, which is plainly ridiculous because he’d never hurt you, but anyway.
HONG LIM: So you’ve all left a pregnant lady to fend for herself in a palace led by a crazy guy?
GUARDS: Uh.
HONG LIM: Chivalry fail, guys.
GUARDS: But that doesn’t mean you have to ride back!
AUDIENCE: And wasn’t he castrated just yesterday? Huh.

KING: Where is he?
QUEEN: Neener, neener, I don’t wanna tell you!
KING: Okay. That’s what the torture chambers are for.
GUARDS: Were you always this crazy?
KING: HALE YES. YOU HAVE YOUR ORDERS.
GUARDS: Uh, right.
EVERYONE WHO KNEW ANYTHING: [are killed]

THE OTHER GUARDS: ACK. TORTURE.
KING: Where is my beloved?!
AUDIENCE: Technically, at this point…
KING: SHUT UP.

The palace gates of pathetic fallacy

HONG LIM: Oh woe is me.
WIND: [howls]
RAIN: [pelts]
HONG LIM: Huh, there are heads on stakes.

HONG LIM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY FRIENDS! THE QUEEN!

KING: So do you think he’ll come back now?
VICE CAPTAIN: You just executed a large part of my guard and your palace staff.
KING: So do you think he’ll come back now?
VICE CAPTAIN: [facepalm]

A feast, just because

KING: I think Hong Lim will come back!
QUEEN: I swear, as soon as you turn your back I am going to gouge out your eyeballs and feed them to you.
ME: Oooh, fiesty.
AUDIENCE: But doomed.

HONG LIM: My name is Hong Lim. You killed my girlfriend. Prepare to die.
KING: I don’t think that’s how it usually goes. But anyway, come sit down with me!
HONG LIM: [stabbity]
KING: Do remember that I can wipe the floor with you any day I choose.
SWORDS: Apparently this time he’s serious.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, but the king is still yielding like hell.
PAINTING: [cut symbolically in half]

THE CAVALRY: [arrives]
KING: No one approach!
VICE CAPTAIN: Yeah, guys, domestic violence is never the answer.

KING: I love you, you know. I hope you love me too.
HONG LIM: DIE. OR KILL ME.
KING: L;JFDALJFA FINE.
HONG LIM: My shoulder? Of all places to inflict a fatal wound, you choose my shoulder?
KING: That’s because I wasn’t planning on killing you.
HONG LIM: OH WELL THAT’S TOO BAD. [stabs]
KING: [dies]

QUEEN: WHA-?
VICE CAPTAIN: Who the hell let her in??
GUARDS: Don’t worry your silly head, your majesty, we’ll take care of it!
QUEEN: !!!
ME: Oh someone got served.

HONG LIM: [Herculean effort to lift self up and turn around to face the king]
ME: Damn, this is tailor-made for ‘too little, too late’.
KING: [is dead]
HONG LIM: [dies]

Flashback or what they each saw before they died, your pick

wee!HONG LIM: Aw dude your palace is awesome!
teen!KING: Wanna come live with me?
HONG LIM: Seriously?? OMG YAY!
KING: And we’ll be happy together. Forever!
AUDIENCE: *sob*

KING AND Hong Lim: *gallop happily in the fields of forever to the sound of some serious crooning*
ME: WTF?!

Commentary/Rambling:

– I actually got through all this without once mentioning the Freudian imagery of their constant sword fights. Woot.

– For my actual opinions on this movie, please click and scroll down. This parody of Frozen Flower was all for fun, no profit except the warming of my jaded heart at your brief moment of mirth. Also, suing me would get you nothing but a few coins and some lint. (Psst, that post also has the screencaps, in case you’re interested.)

– There was a lot of unnecessary nakedness in this movie. (Ronan, stop sniggering.)

– A Rule of Life I learned thanks to this movie: there is always a dirty joke waiting in the wings. Always.

Sevenses

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  1. flyingcrispi
    Wednesday, August 26, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Oh my…
    I’m gonna watch this movie tonight alongside your post, I look forward to ROFLing at your comments. By the way, les petites phrases pour situer l’action, comme “The land of merciful fadeouts” (the things in italic) are hilarious. How do you even come up with those?

    PS: Dramabeans link is dead.

    • sevenses
      Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 5:29 pm

      Merci, ma chère! Toutes les phrases sont inspirées par les scènes ridicules (je jure que mon cerveau est condamné aux commentaires inacceptables).

      How’d you find the movie?

  2. flyingcrispi
    Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    Well it was, uh, disturbing.

    What shocked me:
    -the castration (wtf????horrible, horrible scene. I suffered with him. But then he goes horseback riding. LOL. And why does he get to keep his manly voice? shouldn’t he have become a castra?)
    -the torturing (wtf again??? I understand he wants him, but come on…)
    -the overall killing (heads on pikes, in a box? I guess it’s normal for this kind of movie but I don’t like people killing each other )
    -the 69 (standard sexing is one thing, but a 69 out of nowhere…)

    What I liked:
    -the love! HL and the King had great chemistry together! They were so cute! I did start, at one point, to root for HL and the Queen to be together when the King started to go apeshit on everyone.
    -the filming/editing (I liked how they did some of the takes)
    -the rest.

    I also laughed a lot a moments like:
    Queen: “we need an heir”
    King: “ok I’ll just take more concubines”
    Queen: -_-*

    Aigooo. This goes into the “don’t watch with your parents” section. Overall, I’d give it a 5/10 (that’s for the castration. I still can’t believe he did that!)

    I’m sorry if my opinions are messy (it was a huge paragraph without ponctuations, so I tried to reorganize, but things kept coming to mind, so I decided to sum it up). Anyway.

    • sevenses
      Friday, August 28, 2009 at 8:20 am

      It was like the writers decided, ‘Must make king evil!’ and forgot to build up to there or something. (But moral event horizon is when he tortures the others and beheads them.)

      The sexing, omg. The sexing was totally extraneous. En plus, la reine et ses sexyfaces, c’était quoi, ça? (And you will never get me to believe that they had sex 4 times in one night. He’s young, but not that young.)

      I have to say, the movie is a lot more enjoyable if you remember that nothing has to make sense. Otherwise, WTF??!

  3. tinysunbl
    Thursday, March 11, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    ROFL, this is one of the best parodies I’ve ever read.

  4. gabrielle
    Thursday, August 8, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Queen it’s so poor,when your husband never love you or care about you 😦

  1. Saturday, July 17, 2010 at 9:05 pm

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