Home > European & American TV, Parodies > Criminal Minds in a Superficial Nutshell

Criminal Minds in a Superficial Nutshell

Friday, April 3, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

Criminal Minds. Oh god. Possibly the best TV show out there, or at least it is trying, with the Plot Continuity, Character and Thematic Arcs, Meaningful Debates on the Nature of Good and Evil, Great Acting by Main Cast and Guest Stars, and Metatextual References Like You Would Not Believe.

Also? The cast is bloody gorgeous.

2 examples:

(Obviously I’m biased in favour of the guys, but the girls are equally stunning. Really.)

There are 4 seasons, totaling 84 episodes (and more, as there are still at least 5 more left to the fourth season, and season 5 has been confirmed).

Oh man. I have no sense of self-preservation. Seriously, someone should just lock me in a room with my textbooks or I will never learn which limb of the loop of Henle is responsible for water resorption.

With the number of episodes and the complex, layered nature of the show, I opted for a more tongue-in-cheek look at the average episode of Criminal Minds.


Criminal Minds, a general recap

SOME PSYCHO: AHAHA I KEEEEEEL YOU ALL DEAD!
PEOPLE/PERSON: *die*

VOICEOVER: SOME RANDOM QUOTE THAT TOTALLY HAS TO DO WITH THE THEME OF THE WEEK. MY SHOW HAS DADDY ISSUES, MOMMY ISSUES, ABANDONMENT ISSUES, TORTURE, RAPE TRAUMA, HELL, TRAUMA IN GENERAL, KAY?

BAU (behavioural analysis unit) OFFICE: BANTER, CHATTER, HAPPY THINGS.

PHONE: Ring!
ALL: Okay, dispatch to whatever place in the US this week to profile and talk a lot. Maybe at the end the criminal will get caught.
PLANE: I can get anywhere in the US within 43 minutes. What can you do?

CRIME SCENE: *is usually grisly and bloody*
MORGAN, the tough ex-Marine: I roleplay the un(known)sub(ject), and I do it out loud so all you plebes understand what I’m doing.
LOCALS: We are skeptical of your profiling ways.
POLICE: No, seriously, there’s got to be more to it than that.
BAU MEMBER (usually Reid): OH YEAH? RECOGNIZE, BITCHES.
GIDEON, the pater familias: The unsub is probably a white male aged 30-40…
REID, the genius: … a loner who has trouble empathizing with others…
HOTCH, the team leader/mom: … gets off on violence or dominance…
MORGAN: … most likely has knowledge of law enforcement, which means a military background or previous record…
GIDEON: … and our unsub liked to eat Reese’s when he was little.
LOCALS: Really?
GIDEON: We’re kidding about the Reese’s.

Jennifer Jareau, the best trickster of them all: I am attractive and blonde, and I use that to the best of my ability to lie, cheat and trick the unsub out with minimal harm. Now that we have that out of the way, the person we are looking for is highly dangerous, mostly likely a white male, aged 30-40…
MEDIA: WE LOVE YOU, JJ!

SOME PSYCHO: I WANT YOUR ATTENTION BECAUSE ALL SERIAL KILLERS ARE ATT. WHORES.
HOTLINE VOLUNTEER: Hold on just a sec so we can pinpoint where you are.
MORGAN: I make the call to the hot tech chick because our UST-ful banter is just too good to give up.
GARCIA, the tech chick: Right back at ya, babe!
ME: GARCIA, MARRY ME. I WILL HAVE YOUR BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE CHILDREN.

ELLE, the new kid: Say, guys, isn’t this a break from pattern?
HOTCH: Why yes, and this is significant because going off-script means the unsub is devolving (and just before the commercial break too, how convenient).
GIDEON: Which means we’re close to catching him.
LOCALS: That’s nice, except people are dying.
TEAM: We’re human.
AUDIENCE: *tear*

VICTIM/UNSUB’S FAMILY: We are all usually scarred or damaged or otherwise not talking.
REID: I’M REALLY SMART AND HAVE EIDETIC MEMORY PLUS READ 20000 WORDS PER MINUTE.
OTHERS: That’s … nice?
REID/OTHERS: That means he can READ YOUR MIND.
VICTIM/UNSUB’S FAMILY: Eep.
GIDEON: I will now say something incredibly personal and touching.
VICTIM/UNSUB’S FAMILY: *breaks down*
TEH AWFUL TROOF: *is awful and often traumatic*
ALL: Case solved, now must go stop/trick unsub!

GIDEON: Okay team, stakeout!
TEAM: *looks hot in body armour*
SWAT: *for some odd reason, does not clear out the premises first*
SOME PSYCHO: I’LL KILL THEM, I SWEAR I WILL!
VICTIM(S): *scream/yell/faint/whimper*
GIDEON: Oh no you won’t.
SOME PSYCHO: OH YEAH?
GIDEON/HOTCH/REID: Because I know why you broke into a monster. Life happens, and sometimes it really, really sucks. You just couldn’t take it anymore. We understand. We could have gone the same way.
PSYCHO: …

And sometimes they don’t win, and people die. But the team tries its damnedest.

HOTCH/GIDEON/REID: MORE INTELLIQUOTE AND NAMEDROPPAGE.

End episode.

ME: *discreetly wiping tears away* Except for Honour Among Thieves. That one kinda sucked.

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  1. Friday, April 3, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    “Possibly the best TV show out there, or at least it is trying, with the Plot Continuity, Character and Thematic Arcs, Meaningful Debates on the Nature of Good and Evil, Great Acting by Main Cast and Guest Stars, and Metatextual References Like You Would Not Believe.”

    — and also possibly one of the worst TV shows out there, or at least it is NOT trying, with the issue of ADDRESSING the kind of gargantuan leaps that You-Would-Not-Believe-But-Is-Indispensable-to-the-Show.

    Come on, I WANT to be impressed by how you so ingeniously come up with a profile that fits EXACTLY with the culprit!

    Ok, enough spamming. 🙂

    • sevenses
      Friday, April 3, 2009 at 5:20 pm

      They do get it wrong at least 50% of the time, and then readjust the profile accordingly. I’m just amused that their base profile seems to be ‘white, middled aged, angry male’. We also could have 30 min of exposition on criminal psychology, but I think half of the audience would have wandered away by the time they were done.

      Also, this is TV. So yanno, their accents are all over the place (esp the Boston and Southern ones), all the towns look like suburban California and the cities look like Vancouver/Toronto/LA.

      I enjoy it. Guess it’s a matter of taste, eh? 😛

  2. def201
    Saturday, April 4, 2009 at 10:08 am

    Hey Sevenses,

    I discovered your wonderful and funny blog through Dramabeans.com. Just wanted to say hi… *waves*
    I’ve never watched Criminal Minds before so I can’t really comment on the show itself, but I loved your recap!
    On a semi-related note; have you been watching the Mentalist (another “cop show”)?
    It recently started in the UK, and I managed to watch the first two episodes. I’m not sure what to make of it. It’s enjoyable in that “switch your brain off and ignore all illogical plot contrivances ” sort of way. One thing that bugged me is the fact (and by fact I mean it’s a fact in my mind) that the main female lead and the main male lead don’t have much chemistry (and they are meant to have chemistry).
    There was a scene in the second episode that was meant to show the underlying sexual tension between these two characters, but it just did not work……at all! It felt very awkward and it made me cringe. It might just be me though, I need a second opinion! Should I continue watching? Will it get better?
    These are the questions that keep me up at night!

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