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I think I just snorted cheese on my computer

Monday, November 17, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

Hey dudes, guess what?

USA Weekend has a poll up on whether Harry Potter is better than Twilight. General hilarity ensues.

(Besides being a transparent ploy for attention, dudes, you think there’s a comparison? God.)

Some of the best comments:

Anon: Sadly, I have read Twilight. You know how everyone has to watch a train wreck? Well imagine if that train fell onto a hospital, and then the hospital caught on fire, and then an airplane was attracted by the flames and flew into it as well, blowing up, and then out of nowhere Godzilla showed up and started stomping on things, and just when you think it can’t get WORSE, the Enterprise shows up with Picard and starts shooting at Godzilla. And that is how I can read it, BECAUSE YOU GOTTA KNOW IF PICARD CAN KILL GODZILLA.

Thesaurus: Have you ever heard of me, Twilight?

Boromir: One does not simply dazzle into Mordor.

Gilderoy Lockhart: I, in fact, single-handedly killed the Cullen cult; Renesmee was a bit tricky to handle, being biologically impossible, but with a bit of ingenuity and my dazzling smile, she was easily taken off! You can read about my exploits in my latest book (including how Bella tried to seduce me, but I don’t blame her, most women act like that around me) “Culling the Cullens.”

Obstetrician: I love Twilight so much because it advocates giving C-Sections with your teeth!

Your Abusive Boyfriend: Twilight for the win. I hadn’t even thought about taking the engine out of her car before. Thanks for the tip SMeyer!

trufax: The only good thing that could come out of the Twilight series is if the Denali clan decided to eat Sarah Palin.

Jane Austen: BRB, spinning in my grave.

Annie: Twilight is like the Sarah Palin of literature.

Rosi: Twilight is for illiterate morons who wouldn’t know decent literature if it danced in front of them wearing Dobby’s tea cosy.

Charlie Brown: Good grief, is this actually a poll?

[ETA: … and lo, there was more.]

Anon: I choosed Twilight because it is more realistic. Wizards and magic aren’t real.

GG: Speak of the devil and he/she doth appear – wearing their trademark scarf. Careful, Stephenie Meyer, hell hath no fury like a Harry Potter fan scorned.

HanKyung: Twilight almost caused my work visa to run out

SuJu: Twilight made us have 549658560 guys in our group.

Rain: Twilight cut me off on SBS.

Sookie Stackhouse: Edward Cullen is so far in the closet, he’s in Narnia.

Lucius Malfoy: Do I dazzle you?

G Dragon: I get my fashion inspiration from Twilight

Watanuki: Twilight made me forget who my parents were.

Matthew Cline: A write-in vote for Discworld. As one person put it, both the Black Ribboners *and* the Silicon Anti-Defamation League would like to have Words with Edward.

Edward Cullen: I cut your brakes because I love you.

Jack Sparrow: I think we’ve all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically.

The Marauder’s map: Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Stephenie Meyer, and begs her to keep her abnormally large rump out of other people’s business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Stephenie Meyer is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a ~writer~.
Mr. Wormtail bids Stephenie Meyer good day, and advises her to wash her hair, the slimeball.

Rorschach: The accumulated filth of all their dryhumping and sparkling will foam up about their waists and all the teenagers and Twi-Moms will look up and shout ‘Save us from Twilight!’ And I’ll look down, and whisper ‘no.’

JYP: See-through pants and backless jumpsuits… Twilight made me do it.

Choi Siwon: My eyebrows weren’t included in this post because…?



Captain Ahab: CURSE TWILIGHT. It aided that blasted white whale!

Stephen Colbert + Rain: Twilight can’t sing in Korean.

Yahoo Answers: how is twilight formed? how bella get pragnet?

The internet: Harry Potter v. Twilight debates r srs bznss.

ONTD: DEAR TWILIGHT FANS, http://www.dictionary.com

[Child of ETA: MOAR SNARK.]

Humbert Humbert: He’s 108 and she’s 17? Maybe I should read these.

Good Omens: Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. Except for Twilght. Crowley had created that as a cruel joke unto humanity. Of course this backfired when they were stupid enough to read them.

Anon: Quis sparkliet ipsos sparkledes?

Colonel Mustard: No really, it was Stephanie Meyer in the library with the candlestick. I heard her yell that literature needed to die.

J.K. Rowling: I wrote the epilogue because I wanted to write something worse and more cliched than Twilight. It didn’t work.

Snow White: I ate the apple on the Twilight cover. Didn’t work out too well for me.

Angelina Jolie: I like your style Carlisle Cullen. Although I must say I do prefer to have a nice ethnic mix in my family.

Anon: If failure was an element on the periodic table, twilight would be composed entirely of failure atoms, destined for nothing but failure, H bonding with other failure atoms to form a noncovalent network of failure, its electrons jumping from one failure orbital to the next of higher failure, releasing failure as it dropped back downward toward an even lower level of failure.

Karl Marx: Twilight is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.

Padmé Amidala: So this is how braincells die– with thunderous applause.

Gollum: It dazzles! It dazzles us, precious!

Cristina Yang: Ok, wait, did you say Twilight? You can’t read Twilight. It isn’t even a real book.

Hey guys it’s the Secret Diaries!:

Aragorn: Day 27: I think Edward Cullen may be kind of gay. Saw him and Legolas comparing dazzle. Also, still not king.
Orcs killed: 4. V. good.

Legolas: Day 27: Edward Cullen tried to touch my hair today. I immediately bitchslapped him. Felt bad, gave him some shampoo.
Boy needs a shower.

Aragorn: Day 28: Have come up with plan: we catapult Cullen into Mordor at midday and hope that he dazzles the Great Eye to death.
Also: my faith in Legolas has been restored.
Stubble update: Manly.

Legolas: Day 29: Catapult plan failed, sadly. We shot Edward first, but as soon as he broke cloud cover he sparkled like anythign. Nazgul saw and flew straight for us. Hiding in (disgusting) cave now ’til they pass. He’s trying to use toad slime as a hair gel now.
Must talk to Aragorn about how best to “lose” him.


Apparently the lovely people over at ONTD took over the thread. That would explain all the ‘lol’.

Lovely, isn’t it? And just when I’d begun to despair of people in general.


  1. Tuesday, November 18, 2008 at 1:24 am

    LOL my favorite is “Twilight is like the Sarah Palin of literature.”

    As entertaining as I find Twilight Series, that was funny.

  2. K4Ice4Thu
    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    there is actually a poll for this *falls anime style*

    I think one of my favs has got to be “Anon: I choosed Twilight because it is more realistic. Wizards and magic aren’t real.”
    because you know, vampires are SO real.

    *shakes head* I couldn’t even get past the first few chapters of Twilight..I honestly don’t understand the hype behind it

  3. moonytravels
    Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    There’s even a GO one. BRILLIANT!

    There’s one in my group who’s excited about Twi!movie. I shall make her read more LOLz.

  4. effietheant
    Sunday, December 7, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    This is amazing. I haven’t stopped laughing at some of them – I feel very comforted in knowing I’m not alone in my pure hate towards this movie/book.

    • kiko
      Monday, May 4, 2009 at 10:36 pm


  5. Sophie
    Tuesday, June 16, 2009 at 9:46 pm

    i love all the discworld references… kind of made my day right there… and the LOTR and HP people =] better literature FTW!!!

  6. Thursday, March 11, 2010 at 5:09 am

    I started choking on my saliva on the last secret diary entries.

    Orcs killed: 4. V. Good.

    Oh my good. What have you done to me, Sevenses?

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