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Breaking Dawn, recap

Thursday, August 7, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

All hail the great Cleolinda Jones, who writes better than I do on the subject, but anyway, I couldn’t resist expounding forth on this wonderful 768-page megalith. It will offer me much snorfling in moments of need. Also, needed to get this off my chest. It’s probably not as funny as the other one, but what the hell. The writing quality was better.

Please do enjoy. Flames will be used to make yummy omelette. Warning for lots of capslock abuse, mild language, and definite sporkage of a series that takes itself way too seriously.

Dedicated to Stacy, who loves to mock Twilight (and mock it hard), and Arileen, twihard extraordinaire (where are my Nessi gingerbreads?!).

Have a song while you read: The Aftereffects of May, Belle Epoque

Breaking Dawn – a mockumentary

Preface

Bella: Hi, it’s me, THREATENING TO DIE. (Again.)
Reader 1: I have a feeling I’ve seen this.
Reader 2: I preferred Harry Potter’s brand of near-death, thanks.
Reader 3: Dude, we have 768 pages to go. What’s to bet she’s going to live?
All: Forgot about that.

Book one – Bella

Bella: OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOO WHY ALL THIS ATTENTION, I DO NOT MERIT IT, I ONLY HAVE A REALLY EXPENSIVE UNRELEASED CAR, ACCEPTANCE TO AN IVY LEAGUE THAT I DID NOT EARN, A BLACK CARD AND A HOT BOYFRIEND WHO GIVES ME WHAT I WANT (AND WHAT I DON’T WANT, ON OCCASION). WOE.
Tourists: Chill, woman. Also, can we take piccies?
Bella: WHY AM I DOOMED TO A LIFE OF SCRUTINY?!
Forks: We have no lives and thus feel compelled to stare at a black car. Ooh shiny.
Reader: … 7 pages of …? This is what I paid for?

Poster: Remember that boy? The one who loved you? The one whose heart you broke, like 20 times?
Bella: WOE IS ME.
Seth: *is made of awesome*
Me: You know, if Bella dies, it’s really a toss-up as to who will end up with Seth: Edward or Jacob.
Bella: HELLO? ATTENTION HERE PLS.
Jacob: *is not here* *is wolfy*
Bella: I AM SO WORRIED, MY WEDDING IS GOING TO BE INCOMPLETE WITHOUT AT LEAST ONE WEREWOLF-VAMPIRE CONFRONTATION OVER HOW ADORAKLUTZY I AM.
Seth: Uh, right. Leah’s home. Bye.

Flashback

Bella: He’ll kill us!
Edward: Who’s the all-powerful vampire here?
Charlie: OMG YOU KNOCKED HER UP.
Bella: I’m the only one who can use allcaps, dad, and second, it’s because I don’t want to be older than my husband – who is something like 108 – and 19 is ancient, and I don’t want to look hideous. PHYSICAL APPEARANCES FTW!
Charlie: O rly? Married? Okay.
Bella and Edward: …
Charlie: *grins* Wait until you tell your mom.
Bella: NGH.

Rene: Okay.
Bella: … you’re not going to say I’m making a mistake like any sane parent would?
Rene: Nah. I saw the seeds of obsession, I mean, you are an old soul full of commitment. I am your mother. Put two and two together. Besides, now I don’t have to deal with your passive aggressive ways.
Bella: Aren’t you going to say I sound like every other infatuated teenager since the dawn of time? (A/N: These are her real words. Guh.)
Rene: You are, but that doesn’t matter. Plot compels and all that.
Charlie: Bwuh? No! You’re supposed to forbid it!!
Rene: And watch the book get longer? Or, God forbid, see her write a sequel?
Charlie: You have a point.
Rene: Think of the trees.

End flashback.

Alice: I am awesome and a good dresser! Also, dress fitting, Bella. You will look dazzling!
Bella: You don’t fool me, and anyway, lalalala, not here at all, thinking of sex with Edward the vampire.
Edward: The fact that I may rip you to pieces doesn’t worry you?
Bella: Yum. Sex. With. Edward.
Fangirls: We concur.
Edward: *sigh*
Bella: I have no problems abandoning all my human connections, I’ll have you know. What’s a little romping next to that?
Edward: No cold feet? (OH I C WHUT U DID THAR, HAR HAR.)
Bella: Nope!
Jasper: Just to let the teenaged readers know, SMeyer only approves of bachelor’s nights with NO STRIPPERS AT ALL.
Reader: But she’s okay with getting married at 18, abandoning your entire family and future for a guy, teen death and women only as babymakers?
Everyone: Pretty much.

Detour for needed backstory:
Carlisle: See, baby vampires, they are bad. And Tanya, Irina and Kate’s mother was killed over creating one.
Bella: Aro experiments with children? What a creep.
Carlisle: Are you even listening to me?
Bella: I know. Keep it secret. Keep it safe.

Wedding: Happenin’!
Alice: Suddenly, Paris is experiencing a shortage of silk and satin. Hmm… I wonder why.
House: … suddenly feel like am on makeover show.
Bella: Am not clumsy. Not even once. Someone please break out the champagne.
Glass: *reflects*
Bella: OMGWTFBBQ I AM DAZZLING!
Edward: We’ve gone over this before, Bella, you are always dazzling.
Jacob: Am here for angst quota, don’t mind me.
Bella: MY LOVE! MY LIFE! THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS RIDICULOUS TRIANGLE THAT WILL SEE REASON ON PAGE 562.
Jacob: Urgh. My heart, do you hear it breaking? Again?
Bella: No, but I can smush it some more with news that I actually plan to have sex on my honeymoon!
Jacob: With a guy who can crush granite without breaking a sweat?
Bella: You’re forgetting the made of marble bit, Jake.
Jacob: ARE YOU INSANE??
Other werewolves, including Sam: Dude, it took you this long to realize? Also, restraining you like woah.
Jacob: I do not have rabies. I am just reduced to foaming at the mouth by this idiot.
Bella: I can’t imagine why he’d overreact like that.
Edward: … Let’s go back inside.

Bella: Woah! Honeymoon on an island named after my mother-in-law! Am feeling inferiority complex coming on.
Edward: I snog you. Now.
Sexing: *is enthusiastic*
Technicality-minded readers: Yes, but what was it really like?

Morning after: *is awkward*
Bella: I am covered in feathers because you bit the pillows?
Edward: I bruised you! All over! I am a monster not fit to touch you!
Bella: …? I don’t feel anything at all. Let’s get me more bruised!
Edward: No!
Bella: Baby, we don’t have to use missionary all the time…
Edward: *prances away to plot and pout*

Bella: Am so exhausted. And keep having these vivid nightmares about babies. Hmm.
Edward: We’ve gone through four cartons of eggs in as many days. That can’t be right. Anyway, I needs to be grocery shopping.
Bella: Okay. I shall be here, tired and faint.
Readers: Don’t forget nauseous.
Bella: Did you have to remin- *upchucks her entire stomach*

Edward: Oh god. Our cleaning lady says you’re pregnant with the spawn of Satan.
Bella: … How did she know?
Edward: She’s a South American native. These things are welded deep into the collective WASP unconsciousness.
Bella: Ahh. Well, time for me to have vapours.
Carlisle: I think you’re pregnant.
Edward: Damn. All those biology degrees just to have this jump out at me.

Book Two – Jacob and His Brilliant Chapter Titles

Jacob: What? They’re back? And Bella has a mysterious illness?
Sam: Yes.
Jacob: They have turned her! Must. Kill. Now.
Sam: Don’t kill the Cullens! We can’t jump to conclusions!
Readers: Oh, the irony.
Jacob: GRR.
Sam: You must not judge!
Jacob: GRRRRR. *runs off*

Cullens: We are worried. Could you tell?
Jacob: Let me get my hands on that rat bas- oh hi Bella. OMG YOU HAVE A RARE SOUTH AMERICAN CANCER.
Bella: No, I’m just pregnant with something that will kill me.
Readers: Well, at least we know what side SMeyer is on with regards to late abortion.
Jacob: Get it out. Now.
Edward: It feels so weird, but I agree.
Bella, Rosalie, Esme: NO. It could kill her, but Bella is strong!
Jacob: Yes, strong enough to whimper on a couch.
Bella: Isn’t he lovable? I’m naming him Edward Jacob.
Jacob: He could KILL YOU.
Bella: I know! Strong little nudger, isn’t he?
The menfolk: WTF women.
Alice: My brain, it is being broken.
Readers: Us too, Alice, us too.
Jacob: Wait, that means I don’t have to kill anyone! *runs back*

Jacob: It’s okay! Bella’s alive! And pregnant!
Sam: What?!
Jacob: She’s human!
Sam: We must kill her at once.
Jacob: … Didn’t you tell me just a second ago –
Sam: That was before we knew she had a demonic vampire baby.
Readers: Who, Nessie? HA.

Jacob: Over my dead body.
Sam: Whuh?
Jacob: I manifest my Super Alpha Powerzzzz!
Sam: Dammit. Foiled.

Jacob: I shall form my loner pack, comprised of me, myself, and I.
Seth: I am on happy drugs and possibly in love with Edward!
Jacob: What?
Seth: Coming with you, I am.
Jacob: Well, better you than bitter Leah.
Leah: ‘Sup? I’m joining because it’s better than seeing my imprinted ex-boyfriend’s mug everyday.
Jacob: AAAH!
Leah: Oh yeah, we can’t hear voices anymore.
Jacob: My life, it is le over.
Seth: Let’s go help the Cullens!

Cullens: …
Esme: I shall provide clothing and food and shelter! And let me decorate the nursery! Oh, and must get gourmet chew toys …
Bella: Oh good. Human blankets.
Rosalie: Mutt.
Jacob: I shall recycle blonde jokes at you.
Rosalie: I shall show off my superpower of being an awesome bitch! (No pun intended.)

Readers: It’s killing her. We should get it out.
Edwob: We concur.
Bella: But Eddiekins, I wuvs it!
Readers: Your wife, Ed, she is insane.
Edwob: We concur.
Bella: But feel the little nudger!
Edward: It… it loves her. That means it’s not evil! Time to switch camps!
Jacob: Traitor.

Seth: So what are you naming the kid?
Bella: Edward Jacob.
Reader 1: In fine Potter tradition, then.
Reader 2: Yes, because you hear Ginny calling her son Harry all the time.
Reader 3: Whatever. I skipped ahead a few pages and you are not going to believe this.
Jacob: What if it’s a girl?
Bella: Ruhnezmay.
All: Say what?
Edward: Sometimes I do not want to read your mind.
Bella: Renesmee. You know. Rene. Esme. Combined in the most asinine way possible.
All: Uh…
Bella: And for an encore, I though Carlie would be a good middle name! Charles, Carlisle, get it?
Readers: *fall over and die*

Leah: I wish I had a functioning womb.
Jacob: Oh no. Not you too.
Leah: You don’t understand, Jake, women are made to be slaves to reproduction! We are tools for the continuation of the species! Only reproductive women are loved! They are hope, and love, and everything that is sparkly!
Readers: That’s vampires, hon.
Leah: FINE. A WORKING WOMB IS THE ONLY WOMB!
Readers: And you’re hogging the allcaps.
Leah: Well, Bella’s out of commission for now, so someone has to do it.
Jacob: What happened to common sense and free will?
All: Wrong book, buddy. If it comes to that, wrong series.

Werewolves: We patrol. And patrol some more. And guess what? More patrolling.
Alice: *whistles* Where’s my furry painkiller?
Jacob: BRB guys.
Seth and Leah: HA. Whipped.
Jasper: Say what now?
Rosalie: Mutt.
Readers: This is getting old.
Rosalie: Whatever. At least I’m getting a baby out of this. You’ll have just wasted four hours of your life reading this book.
Reader: She wasn’t kidding about the superpower of bitch.

Bella: *wasting away* *baby breaks a few ribs and pelvis*
Edward: I may spontaneously combust out of sheer misery. I DID THIS TO HERRRR!!
Carlisle: I don’t understand! What does the fetus want?
Jacob: You know, using logic (I know it’s hard, but try for Bella’s sake), if the thing is half vampire and won’t let her eat human food, what about – and I know this is a really large leap of logic here – feeding her some blood?
Edward: You are a genius.
Readers: Bella’s stupidity is catching. *runs*

Birthing process: *is traumatic and no one under 13 should read this book* (I am entirely serious here. It’s really gruesome.)
Baby: I am chewing my way out of this woman I supposedly love. Oops, there goes her spine.
Edward: OMG. Someone, CPR. Someone else, Caesarian, NOW.
Rosalie: I will forget about the baby I yearn for so much in favour of Bella’s floral-scented blood!
Jacob: I have no words. Wait, I do! Eat fur, blondie!
Rosalie: Ugh.
Edward: I perform the Caesarian with my teeth because I can.
Jacob: Whatever, am making sure this stupid woman breathes.
Bella: I am dying… take good care of Renesmee!
Edward: Noooo! *takes out large syringe and inserts venom directly into Bella’s heart*
Jacob: WTF?! First a blood bank, and now a venom bank?

Rosalie: Give me the baby. I won’t drink her blood.
Jacob: I am watching you!
Edward: *too busy biting Bella to notice anything*
Jacob: Bella is dead, so I will kill the only thing that she left on this world.
Renesmee: But I have my mummy’s eyes!
Jacob: *imprints*
Readers: *headdesk*

Book Three – Back to Bella (What about Edward? Oh yeah. He has an entire book to talk about his own POV.)

Bella: Pain. Fire. Burning. More pain.
Rowling: You mean the Cruciatus?
Bella: Shut up.

Bella: I am a vampire! This is great! I CAN SEE DEAD PEOPLE.
Cullens: You can?
Bella: No. But go with the flow, you over-stressed things. Especially you, Jazz.
Me: Suddenly snorfling iced cappuccinos on your screen is bad, people.
Edward: You are dazzling, Bells.
Bella: I will lie to Carlisle about morphine, because this way all future vamp-inductees can feel tons of pain while paralysed!

Edward: Now, see if you can jump over this fifty-yard river (for the metric nuts, that’s roughly 17 meters).
Bella: *vaults* Ha! I beat you wearing a cocktail dress!
Edward: My wife, is she not dazzling?
Bella: Omg hikers in the woods! They might know me! *runs away*
Edward: You are amazing, and wonderful, and self-controlled!
Bella: Now, can I see my daughter?

Cullens: PROTECT NESSIE!
Bella: Uh? Jake?
Jacob: PROTECTING NESSIE.
Edward: No, guys, it’s fine, there were these hikers…
Emmett and Jasper: Hi five, dude!
Everyone else: OHNOES!
Edward: … and she totally ran away.
Everyone: …
Carlisle: My daughter-in-law is a super-vamp!
Renesmee: MOMMY! I project images because I like an excuse for patting people on the face.
Bella: Awwww. *cuddle*
Readers: The kid is only a few days old, may we remind you.

Bella: Now that I am a vampire, I can do math.
Everyone: Yes, oh stunning newborn?
Bella: My daughter is older than she’s supposed to be, isn’t she?
Jacob: *facepalm*
Edward: Let’s not worry about that just yet.
Alice: Indeed! I and my sterling research skills are all over it. Don’t worry.
Rosalie: I now trust Jacob with Nessie.
Bella: YOU IMPRINTED ON MY DAUGHTER??? HOW DARE YOU???
Jacob: I was sure there were at least 20 pages devoted to how involuntary imprinting is in Eclipse. And stop shouting.
Cullens: Actually, now she’s display normal newborn behaviour.
Bella: AND NESSIE? I AM JEALOUS THE NICKNAME IS BETTER THAN WHAT I THOUGHT UP.
Jacob: God, take a chill pill.
Bella: I am secretly pissed I am no longer at the centre of your universe.
Me: I would have gone for something like ‘May’, but I can see how that was shot down.

Bella: On the other hand, now we know why we couldn’t stay away from each other.
Jacob: Yep. I knew two years ago that you were going to be the mother of a magical vampire baby who would shackle me in the bonds of eternal adoration.
Readers: When you put it like that…
Nessie: *is cute* Recognize!
Bella: But wait, what about the werewolves?
Jacob: Nah, they wouldn’t kill the super-alpha’s imprinted.

Cullens: Ah, this is the life. Cooing over our favourite granddaughter/niece and marveling at Bella’s ability to defy all logic, even Meyer’s own rules.
Jacob: Hey Charlie!
Charlie: Hey! You’re not missing anymore!
Jacob: Nope. But have a surprise anyway! *fursplodes*
Charlie: WTH.
Jacob: There’s more weird shit, but that’s on a need-to-know basis.
Charlie: … take me to Bella now!
Cullens: Idiot werewolf.
Alice: You are so lucky I have foresight.
Bella: I will not drink down the delicious cocktail that is my father’s blood. No!
Charlie: Heh. Your kid is years older than she has a right to be and you’ve suddenly morphed into a pale super-model overnight, how’s the football?
All: Thank God for Emmett.

Bella: Hunting with my favourite werewolf and daughter!
Nessie: I can jump this high!
Irina: IMMORTAL CHILDREN ZOMG NOES.
Bella: … You’d think she would have gotten closer and confirmed, and not, like, jumped to conclusions two mountain peaks away.
Jacob: Nah, that would involve using logic.

Volturi: Excellent! Time to collect some talented people from the Cullen coven!
Alice and Jasper: Huh. What do you know. Bye guys!
Readers: Omg Alice you suck. We take back all awards of awesome coolness.
Carlisle: I’ll get allies.
Bella: I’ll get fake passports for Jake and Renesmee and then send them to Rio with no prior warning if all turns out badly.
Readers: Good to know she has that forward-planning thing down so well.

Allies: OMG RENESMEE IS SO CUTE OF COURSE WE’LL RISK OUT LIVES AGAINST THE VOLTURI FOR HER.
Bella: *is generally better than everyone else, at everything*
Allies: Bella is a shield of stupendous strength.
Edward: My wife is dazzling.
Everyone else: Hey, we’re gifted too!
Readers: Yes, but you’re not Bella. You’re not the reader proxy through whom all wishes and fantasies are enacted. We went over this.
Jacob: So what’s Renesmee?
Reader: She is a dazzling bundle of LOVE.

Volturi: Notice how our name approximates vulture. And we are evil, and bent on acquiring chess pieces.
Cullens and allies: Oh the disappointment of believing in government.
Americans, Canadians and Chinese, and possibly everyone else: Welcome to our world.
Bella: Whatever. I can shield everyone and scare the Volturi pantless.
Readers: They’re wearing cloaks.
Bella: Must you take me so literally? I am the almighty shielder of yore!
Jane: I snerk at you!
All: Nope. Not a spark.
Aro: I have the feeling we’ve been outflanked, friends.

Alice: ‘Sup!
All: *sudden, overwhelming relief*
Readers: Cool points to Alice!
Jasper and co: Hey!
Nahuel: I am also a half-vampire, and my sisters and I are all fine specimens of my father’s asshattery.
Caius: I fail to see your point. Attack, now.
Aro: Now, now, let’s not be hurried and ruin my image.
Alice: 4 srs, guys. He is proof that Nessie isn’t dangerous even if she’s not an immortal child.
All: And you had to give us a collective case of despair to do it?
Alice: It helps my image, kay? Pieces within pieces and all that.
Volturi: Damn. Foiled.

Bella: Now we can get back to destroying houses during sex.
Edward: It was all Bella! She did everything to defeat the big bad evil people!
Readers: WE KNOW. SHE’S A SUEPIRE, GET OVER IT.
All: We love Nessie more!
Nessie: Hee. Everyone loves ME.

The End

Readers: Why is there a queen on the cover?
Me: Because Edward bites pillows. πŸ˜€

(Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Hope you enjoyed.

Sevenses

P.S. It occurs to me that I was a lot nicer than I could have been, by the way.

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  1. Thursday, August 7, 2008 at 11:37 am

    you are a lot nicer than you could’ve been.

  2. Rakuda
    Friday, August 8, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    Yezz, exactly that, Eddie bites pillows and destroys headboards, huzzah!
    I thought the book was hilarious. Don’t you just love how everything got wrapped up so nicely, neatly, without much blood-shed (unless you don’t count Nessie’s first minutes on earth)?
    Fab-tastic!!
    Thanks for capping, *hugs*. πŸ˜€

  3. ...
    Friday, August 8, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    AHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Brilliant! Couldn’t have said it better myself. Will u be reading Midnight Sun (Twilight from Edward’s point of view) when it comes out?

  4. Sam
    Friday, August 8, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    Hilarious πŸ™‚
    But, seriously, much too nice… This book deserves to be DESTROYED. Still can’t believe I wasted X hours of life reading that piece of crap. Glad something good came out of it!

  5. Arileen
    Saturday, August 9, 2008 at 10:43 pm

    I approve this recap…and died from laughing so hard. Can’t wait to meet up with you and have a very long discussion on the matter. Expect me with my copy (completely and thoroughly highlighted since I was in Liberal Arts, and all that) and bubble tea to preserve me. ^^

  6. effietheant
    Sunday, December 7, 2008 at 7:57 pm

    There’s more coming out?
    Twilight but from Edward’s pov? Why, God, Why?

    Can we do one of those massive book-burnings that people do for decent books? Because that would work for me.

  7. v
    Friday, March 20, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    hey… first time to comment..
    i loved ur recaps on iljimae but ur twilight recaps: priceless.
    and totally right to the point! i read twilight, skipped new moon and eclipse, read the beginning of breaking dawn, skipped the middle, read the after-middle, skipped some more and read the last chapter. and i have to say ur recap is worth much more than all the books put together times infinity.
    lol

  8. cutierabbit
    Thursday, April 30, 2009 at 3:51 am

    i hate those series!!!! i cannot believe i wasted ____ hours reading it only to realize what a crappy story it is!!!!!WAAAAAAH!!!!

    i agree though that you’re recap is a thousand times better than the book… i couldn’t bring myself to read the fourth book after Jacob imprinted..what an asinine and completely ridiculous twist of events that s.meyer should wrap up jacob’s story like that!!! i loved his character on the first 3 books that i naively read…i though he was so cool! Just like with Harry Potter who turned out to be a complete twit til the end (he is just so super lucky til the end and doesn’t have any real talent). i couldn’t force myself to read on after Jacob imprinted..what a lousy lousy story!!!! i’m currently hitting my head on the wall for remembering that i read books 1 to 3 and some of the 4th book…

  9. v
    Friday, April 23, 2010 at 9:56 am

    hey, i was just reading this blog on sparknotes about twilight… it’s HILARIOUS!! so i immediately thought of you and went back to reading yours.. this one is freaking funny too.
    btw, if you have time, you can go check out http://community.sparknotes.com/2009/07/16/blogging-twilight-index-page. It’s a bit long but I swear, it’s worth it. you’ll be hooked after the first chap.

  10. AllVampMustDie
    Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    I am proud to say I didn’t waste my time reading this book tho I did waste precious amount of money purchasing it.

  11. Kannitha
    Tuesday, April 3, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    :DDDD
    Nicee~~~! and oh yeah, shweet!xDD

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