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Prince Caspian, a summary

Sunday, June 15, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

I saw it, I liked it, what more is there to say?

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Woman: Childbirth is suffering! Let every one in this theatre know!
Lord Protector Miraz: I am evil. To show this, I am in a dark and gloomy room. I also give random and incomprehensible orders.

Professor: I have no name, but I save the boy Caspian. The gratitude some people show.
Caspian: I don’t want to wake up.
Professor: *hint* Your aunt just gave birth to a son.
[inner monologue: Why must I be the only intelligent one in this castle?]
Caspian: So? I’ll celebrate in the morni- oh. Right. Into the closet we go.
Audience: We must not question Lewis’s strange fascination with closets. Moving on to the hot boy in a nightshirt.

Music: I am ominous and gloomy.
Narnian castle: Well I actually look like a 10th century English fort designed by a crazy Lego adept, but good guess.
Soldiers: Twenty crossbows against an unarmed boy in bed. Fair game.

Caspian: I escapeth while the soldiers are busy turning my bed into matchsticks.
Professor: I have always loved you. Go!
Caspian: You lie! But we have no time to be quibbling. *is not stopped across 237269 gates and one very long bridge*
Soldiers: Rah! We shall kill you!
Caspian: The professor said they’d be afraid of the forest. I will gallop into this very convenient bit of trees.

Scenery: *is grand*

Horse: Why do I have to all the hard work again? At least Edmund’s horse had a name.
Caspian: I look behind me, because that is obviously what I should be worried about.
Horse: Um, you are so wrong.
Caspian: *gets hit by tree branch*
Trumpkin, a dwarf: Oh god, a human.
Nikabrik, another dwarf: Kill him!
Caspian: Time to use the horn of magicalness. *blows*

London: I am industrialized and very, very cobblestoney. Plus, rain.
Susan: *perusing magazines*
Random unattractive boy: Hello, I am awkward and unattractive. Can I chat you up very unsmoothly?
Susan: No. And my name is Phyllis. Must leave. Look, there’s my little sister. Bye!
Lucy: Come quick! They’re at it again, and school hasn’t even started!
Susan: *facepalm*

Peter: I am attractively rumpled but you must put aside your pedophilic urges to notice that I am being beaten up by three other boys in school uniforms. In a train station. Close to train tracks.
Edmund: Must I save you again? *leaps*

Officers of the peace: Disperse, munchkins!
Schoolchildren: *disperses*

Peter: I am not a troubled teen.
Edmund: You are.
Peter: Shut up. I miss being king.
Susan and Lucy: Can’t you just act normal?
Random unattractive boy: *approaches*
Susan: Look like you’re talking to me!
Edmund: … We are.
Peter: Now who’s not acting normal?
Susan: Now is not the time to explain the intricate subtleties of rebuffing courtship. But trust me, I’m a lot more normal than you in this movie.
Peter: You have a point. Moving on!

Pevensies: Wha-? What is this pulling sensation?
Peter: Edmund, stop trying to undress me!
Shippers: We wish.
Lucy: I wish my siblings would be slightly less insane. Or you know, the fangirls.
Edmund: Good luck with that.
Reality: *is distorted*
Pevensies: *frolic on beach that has suddenly appeared*

Edmund: I am the only one to have a brain in this movie, and I shall use it to note that there were no ruins in Narnia last time we were here.
Everyone: Agreed. Let’s go explore. It’s not like old abandoned ruins were ever dangerous.
Susan: Oh look! Golden chess piece!
Edmund: God, we are the ruins.
Peter: ?
Edmund: No, I mean, this is Cair Paravel.
Lucy: I have brains too! Stand here and look!
Other Pevensies: NO! But yes, we see.

Miraz: My son, he is precious.
Soldiers: *return*
Miraz: I trust you have good news?
General Glozelle: Um. Not really.

Lord Sopespian: My name is ridiculous, I know. Get over it. Do not trust Miraz!
Other lords: In spite of very convincing evidence, we shall believe Miraz.
Sopespian: Foiled.
Miraz: Caspian was kidnapped by Narnians!
All: Those are extinct! I mean, those are fairytales!
Audience: Make up your mind.
Miraz: Apparently not. *backhands Trumpkin*
Trumpkin: And you wonder why we don’t like you.

Audience: We see. Anyone who is evil has a Spanish accent or is ugly, and good people have English/Scottish/Irish accents and look nice. Plus, different lighting.
Me: And the evil guys haven’t heard of showers or shampoo.
Caspian: Hey! What about me?
Audience: You are hot as anything, and the MAIN CHARACTER to boot. What do you bet you end up good?
Caspian: You have a point.

Edmund: Uh. We can see if our old treasure room is there.
Others: Can’t. No light.
Peter and Edmund: *push open very heavy door*
Me: Do not question the magical strength of the kings of Narnia. Even if they are younger than I am.
Audience: We have stuck doors too. Will you two please come and open them for us?
Edmund: I have a flashlight! (But it’s called a torch.)
Peter: You could have said that before I started ripping up my shirt.
Edmund: Nah. The fangirls were enjoying it.
Fangirls: Yes! And keep doing it!

Pevensies: Gosh, we were big.
Audience: Well, there’s this thing called growing up, see…

Lucy: Notice that no one is here.
Peter: I see. Let’s see if there are any enemies to beat up.
Edmund and Susan: Do you ever think of anything else?

Random soldiers: *row boat with Trumpkin inside*
Susan: *intentionally misses to warn them*
Trumpkin: *is rescued* *and peeved*

Lucy: What’s going on with Narnia?
Trumpkin: Where the heck have you been?
Susan: Here’s your sword, Pete.
Trumpkin: OMG. The kings and queens of old. You’re so… young.

Edmund and Trumpkin: *duel*
Edmund: *wins*
Trumpkin: Well, anyone who can beat me is obviously a king of Narnia. You can’t possibly be well-trained spies.

Caspian: *wakes up*
Trufflehunter: Yes, I know. I am a talking badger. Get over it.
Nikabrik: And we’re not extinct.
Caspian: Okay. I am a tragic tragic prince.
Trufflehunter: Aww. There’s a good boy.
Nikabrik: We should kill him.
Caspian: In that case, sorry, must leave.
Trufflehunter: You’re still in your nightshirt! Plus you’re the foreordained king.

Miraz: Arrow! Horn!
Professor: Narnia!
Miraz: Enough with the free-association. Explain this to me or be imprisoned.
Professor: I’ll take the second one, thanks.
Lord Sopespian: *takes opportunity to instill doubt*
Miraz: Send me all your troops so they can kill Narnians.
Sopespian: You have your own people.
Miraz: Yes, but I need to keep them to protect myself. Tyrant, remember?
Sopespian: You and your crazy ideas. *sigh*

Peter and Edmund: We row. It is manly work.
Lucy: I want my singing trees! And Aslan!
Trumpkin: And I want a feather mattress, but it’s not happening any time soon.
Peter: Well, now that I’m back, it should be.

Lucy: Hello, random bear! I will forget all I knew about animals to say hi.
Trumpkin: There she goes ag- wait, that’s a wild bear!
Lucy: *is frightened*
Susan: I have my arrow to my bow, but curiously, I do not shoot at the bear running my sister down.
Trumpkin: *shoots bear* You’re not used to Narnia being rough, are you?

Caspian: Lalala, what a nice day for walking.
Trufflehunter and Nikabrik: Must take you see troops. Note that we now have minotaurs on our side.
Caspian: Oh god, they’re real?
Trufflehunter: Yup. As real as the soldiers now chasing after us.
Caspian: Crap. RUN!

Caspian, Trufflehunter and Nikabrik: Running like the wind! Dodging all arrows! Oh yeah! We rule.
Soldiers: We are being cut down by mysteriously small streaking thing.
Caspian: You mean a mouse?
Reepicheep: God, you humans are so unoriginal.
Trufflehunter: Don’t kill him! He’s got the horn of magicalness!
Centaurs: Good. You’re late.

Pevensies and Trumpkin: We’re lost.
Peter: We’re so not. I am full of testosterone, and, even better, I know my land.
Lucy: Look, Aslan!
Trumpkin and Pevensies minus Edmund: You’re hallucinating.
Edmund: No she’s not.
Peter: Maybe not, but this movie is about my arrogance and Susan’s lack of faith and how we see the error of our ways, so we don’t believe her right now. Follow my lead, people!

Narnians: We hate Telmarines!
Caspian: I will give an inspiring speech, like Obama!
Narnians: We will fight with you. But we still hate Telmarines.
Caspian: Oh, those oratory lessons so came in handy. Plus, I am smart. It’ll work out.
Centaurs: Oh, we love it when you sweet talk us.

Pevensies and Trumpkin: Crap, a Telmarine army camp!
Susan: Maybe Lucy was right.
Peter: I will walk away in wordless, manly fashion.
Lucy: And I will fall through the cliff in a dramatic manner and find a path!
All: Woah. Check that path out.

Susan: I am depressed and afraid of losing Narnia.
Lucy: I am young and optimistic. These things do not faze me.
Susan: *sigh*
Audience: We can has close-up of chest?

Lucy: I dream about Aslan. Yay, for I am the special child! And now, not being able to distinguish between dream and reality, I go and look for Aslan.
Peter: I am a defensive older brother who follows his precious little sister around. Look, minotaur!
Caspian: I ambush from behind!
Peter: I swing my sword into the tree.
Lucy: Stop!
Peter: Oh right. You’re Caspian.
Caspian: You’re younger than me. And your sister is hot.
Edmund: I did not see that exchange of longing glances. Nope.

Peter: I seize power.
Caspian: I am exasperated. But we’re teenage boys, it’s expected, right?
Edmund: *facepalm*

Miraz: Kill your men so we have an excuse to attack the Narnians!
Glozelle: I hate you.
Sopespian: I told you.
Miraz: Now that Caspian is a rebel, I can be king!

Centaurs: *make dramatic entrance for the kings and queens*
Caspian: Alas, I am still unconfident and I shall let the Pevensies enter first.
Pevensies: What’s this carved on your walls?
Caspian: Um. You?
Peter: I angst at not being able to see Aslan. This leads to rash doings on my part.

Caspian: I want us to stay here and reinforce ourselves.
Peter: I want to attack.
Susan: I like Caspian. I mean, I think it’s strategically sound to stay here.
Edmund: Um, I think Pete’s got a point.
Reepicheep and co: We agree with the High King.
Lucy: I think we should wait for Aslan, you know, the most powerful being in this universe?
Peter: But I’m the High King! I couldn’t ever be wrong!
Caspian: …
Peter: Alright, we attack tonight.

Raid of Miraz’s castle: *goes horribly wrong*
Lucy: Oh, Peter.
Peter: Shut up. I am in the throes of agonized guilt.
Caspian: Well, it was your fault.
Edmund: Here we go again. Why does there have to be all this testosterone, all the time?!?!

King Miraz: AHAHAHA! NARNIA, AND THEN THE WORLD!!

Caspian: He killed my father. He should die!
Nikabrik: I know someone who could do something about that.
Caspian: Oh?
Hag and werewolf: We chant and do scary things!
Caspian: I am a warrior. Rubber prosthetics, ugliness and bad breath does not faze me.
White Witch: Hello, pretty.
Caspian: CGI!
White Witch: Well, I have the best luck in men, it seems.
Caspian: Oh god, you’re all evil!

Pevensies: We make a brave and dashing appearance!
Bad people: *are vanquished*
Peter: I like flying leaps, I do several in this movie. Notice my legs!
White witch: I like blonds too, don’t be jealous. Just a bit of blood, dearie.
Peter: Must. Not. Give. In.

Suspenseful pause.

Peter: Am. Giving. In.
Ice wall: *breaks*
Edmund, to Peter: I know, I know, you had it sorted.
Caspian: *longing glance at Susan*
Susan: *walks away*
Caspian and Peter: We now understand each other. Too bad it took more than half the movie and 128931679 casualties.

Peter: Dammit, I hate finding out that I’ve been an ass all this time.
Lucy: Don’t worry, it happens to all of us.
Peter: But I want to see Aslan.
Lucy: Then you will.

The armies of Telmar: We cover the earth, and march to your death. Plus, catapults.
Audience: And you’ve got Spanish steel masks. Not racially charged at all, this movie.
Susan and Lucy: We’ll go look for Aslan. We’re the girls, it stands to reason.
Peter: Keep safe.

Caspian: I have a cute plot to divert Miraz!
Peter: Does it involve chocolate, dresses and Susan?
Caspian: … No.

Edmund: Peter challenges you, you crazy tyrant.
Miraz: I can just tell my armies to step on him.
Edmund: And that is the brave, courageous way of doing it.
Glozelle and Sopespian: We concur.
Miraz: I would explode, but that would mean losing.

Caspian: I chat you up, Susan, your eyes are sweet and your voice is melodious.
Susan: My sister is RIGHT HERE.
Caspian: Oops.
Susan: But keep the horn. You might want to call me again.
Lucy: Bad pick up line, Su.
Susan: I know.

Peter and Edmund: *dramatic walk to a dramatic duel*
Miraz: Glozelle, kill Peter if he looks like he’s winning.
Glozelle: Duly noted.
Sopespian: Not so much.

Peter and Miraz: *duel*

Susan and Lucy: We’ve been spotted, ohnoes.
Susan: I’ll do the big sisterly thing. You go on.
Soldiers: We cometh!
Susan: I dodge all your arrows and kill you all!
Last soldier: I will kill you!
Caspian: Uh, so not.
Susan: Why, hello, prince in shining armour.

Miraz: *is not as good as Peter, but it could be the suffocation via great honking steel mask talking* I am beating you into the ground.
Peter: That’s because my arm is dislocated, you heavy beast.
Audience: That’s a lot of battle cries and manly yelling.

Caspian: I ride up with your sister. This is not what it looks like, I swear.
Peter: Please tell me my little Lu is alright.
Susan: She will be.
Peter: Better set sentries up just in case.
Edmund: PR moment. Smile for the anxious people.
Audience: You all look constipated. Just so you know.

Peter: I indulge in morbidness.
Edmund: You’ll beat him. I think.

Miraz and Peter: We yell a lot. Don’t blame us, it was the director. He thought all swordfights included a lot of manly yelling.
Peter: *wins*
Edmund: Be practical, not chivalrous!
Miraz: I shall be dishonourable and stab you in the back!
Peter: Whatever. I am young and lithe as a willow tree! He’s all yours, Caspian.

Caspian: Revenge. Honour. Revenge. Honour. Revenge. Honour.
Miraz: *taunts*
Caspian: I’m not you!
Edmund and Peter: Aww. We’re rubbing off on him.
Narnians: Yay!

Sopespian: I stick Susan’s arrow in Miraz! Yes! I am king!

Battle: *begins*
Catapults: We do our job, what did you expect?

Caspian: Why am I suddenly the only one with a horse?
Susan: Never mind that! Archers!
Peter and Edmund: Let’s put our kingly telepathy to the test, eh?
Caspian: Follow me, troops!
Troops: We knock down the foundations, take that, cavalry!
Susan: Release!
Soldiers: Dammit, should have stayed home. *die*
Caspian: Look, a convenient ramp!
Everyone: Time to fight.

Audience: Suddenly, Caspian’s in charge. How subtle, director.

Peter, Caspian and Susan: Retreat, dudes!
Catapult stones: We’re in the air, destroying your gates.
Susan: Crap. *falls from ledge*
Caspian and Peter: Alarm! We’re sharing thoughts quite frequently lately.
Narnians: Desperate charge! They’ve always worked before!

Lucy: *rides horse*
Soldier: *follows her*
Aslan: Here’s where I come in.
Lucy: *TACKLEGLOMP*

Aslan: Hey, trees! Wake up.

Battle: ‘sup. Still going strong.
Trees: HAI HOW ARE YOU, ENEMY SOLDIERS?
Audience: It’s not like The Two Towers at all. Nope. Can’t be. Walking, angry trees? Nope.

Telmarines: When in doubt, retreat.
Lucy: *approaches on bridge*
Telmarines: OMG A LITTLE GIRL.
Sopespian: There’s a giant lion with her, but let’s cross anyway.
River God: Gosh this bridge itches. It’ll have to go.
Telmarines: Oh God. We’re in trouble now.

Lucy: Nature: 1, Humans: 0.

Pevensies and Caspian: *kneel to Aslan*
Lucy: I am special and beloved of Aslan and can do nothing wrong, ever!
Audience: Obviously you haven’t read The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Aslan: Rise, kings and queen of Narnia.
Caspian: *still kneeling*
Aslan: Deaf at such a tender age? Must have been all that shouting.
Caspian: I am a lowly, unworthy human being.
Aslan: Don’t overdo the modesty. You’re a king now.

General citizenry: Forget the war, we have a king!
Caspian: How about some fireworks?

Caspian: I have resorted to getting Susan’s attention by wearing girly clothes and a strange two-layer skort that will probably end up on Go Fug Yourself.
Susan: My hair is so ugly I am crying. On the other hand, a pretty dress.
Caspian: My speeches have lost their lustre, it seems. Anyway, if you don’t want to stay here, you can go back to where we came from.
Aslan: You were pirates from the human world.

People: Gasp! Magic! Treachery!!1!!eleven1!!one!

Pevensies: We’ll go.
Caspian: I’ll keep your stuff until you come back.
Peter and Susan: We’re not coming back.
Lucy: I don’t understand.
Audience: He wants you to live in your own world. Kind of like Pullman, in fact. Read more books, munchkin.

Caspian and Susan: We make out. Deal with it.
Lucy: I don’t understand.
Edmund: You don’t want to, trust me.
Peter: Nah. It’s okay. [To Caspian, via eyepathy – I’ll take care of her.]
Lucy: Aslan, I’ll miss you.

Reality: *distorts*
Randomly unattractive boy: Hey, Phyllis, the train’s going to leave.
Pevensies: Oh, right. Boarding school.

End.

Commentary/Rambling:

– Anyone else ship Peter/Caspian really hard? It was honestly a toss-up between cute and really irritating, so I saved myself some trouble and looked upon the testosterone and constant one-upping each other as an adorable boy thing.

– Also, the unbridled awesomeness that was Edmund (Skandar Keynes) in this movie!!!

– I found it somewhat odd that the River God would eat/headbutt Sopespian to his death. I mean, dropping him from a height seemed quite enough already.

– I can just imagine, in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, upon meeting Lucy and Edmund, Caspian is going to say: “Hey, how is that hot sister of yours? Making out with the Queen Susan really tends to scare off all the girls.” (Just to let you know: He goes on to marry a star’s daughter. And his devotion to his wife and their son is the focal point of an entire Narnia installment in itself.)

– Is it just me, or is Narnia reduced to someplace the kids go and fight wars for? I mean, the beauty and magic is lost, a little, from book to movie. It always is.

– And Lewis’s final treatment of Susan merits some attention, but perhaps another day.

Let it be known that I am unable to abbreviate anything. 3128 words!

Sevenses

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  1. flyingcrispi
    Sunday, June 15, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    That was brilliant and terrific… I couldn’t stop laughing!
    I want to see that movie even more. Too bad I have to wait for a US DVD release to have a decent copy!

  2. Ali-ers
    Sunday, June 15, 2008 at 9:07 pm

    Awesome! I ♥ it! Very entertaining.

  3. Monday, June 16, 2008 at 12:30 am

    Hah – absolutely epic and gut-busting. You are wayyyyy funny. Can’t wait until I can actually watch the movie.

  4. Monday, June 23, 2008 at 10:00 pm

    hilarious! you probably described it more accurately than i ever would

  5. flyingcrispi
    Saturday, June 28, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    I saw it today, finally. The quality was the best you could hope for a cam, but it was enjoyable anyway.
    Damn Peter is hot, and why the hell didn’t they make Susan stay with Caspian? They were so adorable when they looked at each others like tortured puppies!
    I know, the book says she’ll never come back and forget about Narnia (, but the director could have taken a little liberty here. And I probably won’t be watching the next movies, ’cause Peter is MIA, and I’m not sure that Eustache guy can’t compare in hotness.

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