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The Casual Reader’s Guide to Twilight

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

So, having just seen the trailer (oh god, the trailer, I have words about the trailer) of Twilight, teen romance movie coming out December 12 of this year, I thought, well, the book is 500+ pages long. Why not condense it for the eager moviegoer who doesn’t plan to read through the brick before going to see the movie? (Like a lot of people did for Harry Potter, reportedly.)

And also because I want an opportunity to flex my sarcasm muscles. The thing begs for someone to take a good critical look at it. I am, however, content to only mock.

Enjoy!

Twilight, drastically condensed for your reading pleasure

BELLA: Hi, my name is Bella Swann, and many of you will notice that my name actually means ‘beautiful swan’, but don’t worry. I am the clumsiest fool ever born, and I keep disparaging my looks. You are never in danger of thinking of me as swanlike or beautiful!
FORKS: What’s up? Rain. Clouds. Rain. Clouds. Rain … you get the point.
BELLA: Woe! I am a self-sacrificing model teen! I am unhappy at being separated from my mother! I am – what the hell is all this rain?! I am a creature of the sunlight! My year is going to be great, I can just feel it now.

CHARLIE SWANN, Bella’s divorced father: Bella! My love, my life, the beautiful fruit of my loins!
BELLA: *trips*
CHARLIE: Awww, look at itsy Bellakins, isn’t she so cute?
BELLA: DAD! DO NOT EMBARRASS ME IN PUBLIC.
CHARLIE: But I haven’t seen you in 15 years!
BELLA: That’s because you live in a damp hellhole!
CHARLIE: T-T … Nevermind. Anyway, I got you a car.
BELLA: Thanks! You totally didn’t need to go to any trouble on my expense, I had some money sa – oh.

CAR: Am truck. Am rusty, aging, clunky truck. But full of love for you, mia Bella.
BELLA: OMGWTFBBQ.
TRUCK: I still have all my component parts, it’s all that matters. Our love shall be secret.

FORKS HIGH SCHOOL: Is tiny.
BELLA: This school is tiny. Unlike my beautiful, sunny, airy, marble-columned high school back in Phoenix, of course.
CLASSMATES: HAI BELLA WELCOME TO FORKS.
BELLA: zOMG! Brain-eating zombies who will pretend to help me but are only after my life force!
MALE CLASSMATES: Bella, Bella, she’s so fine …
TEACHER: Watch me drone on about the vagaries of English literature, which you will never encounter in this book!
BELLA: I have learned all this! I memorized the works of Shakespeare and can analyze Bronte and Trollope at the flick of a wand! What am I doing in this backward, backward place?!

LUNCH: What lunch?
GIRLS: Hey! Are you coming to the dance?
BELLA: … Poor creatures. Having only a school dance to look forward to in this tiny, backward place must be hard on them.
BOY 1 (Eric?): Yes! Please do!
BELLA: They are to be pitied, for they are far too friendly. Where are the bullying fights? Where is the hair-pulling? I brought extra-band aids today!
CLASSMATES: We are here to fulfill stereotypes, yo.
BELLA: I am shy, people. SHY.
OTHER PEOPLE: We chatter. Nothing interesting here, move along.

CULLENS: ‘Sup?
BELLA: Who are those extremely hot loners at that table?
EXPOSITIONAL DEVICE, aka JESSIC: The Cullens are exclusive. And rich. And snobby. Must not forget gorgeous.
BELLA: Why, they’re just like me! (And Jess must have sour grapes if she is annoyed by people who don’t socialize, talk, or otherwise acknowledge your existence.)
EDWARD CULLEN: *looks over*
BELLA: That one is fine.

BIO CLASS: Is also dismayingly obsolete.
BELLA: I resign myself to superior boredom.
EDWARD: *glare of intense hatred/love/puzzlement*
BELLA: Eep! My heart, it palpitates!
BIO CLASS: Over! I bet you retained nothing about mitotic divisions of the onion cell.
EDWARD: *rushes out*
BELLA: Yum.
BIO CLASS: Didn’t think so.

THE NEXT DAY: Yo, another school day as usual, but the Cullens ain’t here, so Bella pays no attention. Not that she does, or that she needs to.
BELLA: *croons* Oh my brown-eyed love, oh where are you? My blood sings for you!

THE NEXT DAY: Rain, rain, rainety rain. Also, slick roads.
BELLA: *has near-fatal accident with car that doesn’t stop*
EDWARD: *saves her with superpowers*
BELLA: *is in hospital*
EDWARD: Yo dad.
BELLA: Omg. Your dad is hotter than you.
EDWARD: Did you hit your head when I wasn’t looking?
THE ENTIRE SCHOOL: Hey, we heard about your accident and are skipping school to visit.
BELLA: What? I don’t – Edward has superpowers!
THE ENTIRE SCHOOL: Silly Bella. Go back to your bed.

EDWARD: Damn. Found out from my humanitarian urges. That’s it, I’m going back to being a cold ass to everyone.

THE NEXT FEW WEEKS: The timeline is fuzzy because the author wanted them to fall in love right away, but didn’t want it to seem too fast.
BELLA: *thinks about Edward*
EDWARD: *stalks Bella*
EVENTS: *happen*

JACOB: Hi Bella!
BELLA: Hello, cute Native American boy! Want to take a walk on the beach with me?
JACOB: … Yes?
BELLA: Coolness!
JACOB: We have an old legend about vampires and werewolves.
BELLA: Does it involve a centuries-old romance?
JACOB: No. But it does involve relevant information that will make the reader realize the Cullens are actually vampires that have given up drinking human blood. Not that you’ll realize until Edward tells you.
BELLA: Okay then.
JACOB: I think you’re pretty.
BELLA: Woah there! We don’t get to do this until book 2, remember?
JACOB: Damn. Foiled.

EDWARD: You know how I saved your life by lifting an entire van?
BELLA: Yes?
EDWARD: I can explain.
BELLA: Are meteorites involved?
EDWARD: For the love of human blood, no. Come with me, but I warn you that I am dangerous for you, and this is a bad idea.
BELLA: Is that why you spent all those weeks stalking me?
EDWARD: Yes. And I can run really fast.
WOODS: *whoosh by*
BELLA: I am nauseous.
EDWARD: Let’s stop in this clearing.
SUN: *makes cameo appearance*

EDWARD: *sparkles*
BELLA: Why you sparkly piece of ice-cold marble, you!
EDWARD: I can also read minds.
BELLA: jfklasjfiowaefkasd
EDWARD: But not yours. That is why I was fascinated.
BELLA: Oh. Is that normal? (So sparkly!)
EDWARD: …? I say I can hear other people’s voices in my head and you’re worried about your own sanity? Way to score on self-centered.
BELLA: Oh Eddie, don’t be like that. You know I love you. My Adonis.
EDWARD: Your blood, it sings. *kisses her*
BELLA’S HEART: I stop. This is too much earthly joy to bear.
BELLA: Oh baby, some more petting please.

EDWARD: NO! BELLA YOU IDIOT. I AM A VAMPIRE. GET AWAY FROM ME!
BELLA: My Edward, I love you! I have known you only two weeks but my life would be an abyss of coldness without you!
EDWARD: Okay then. Want to come over for dinner?
BELLA: …
EDWARD: Not that kind.
BELLA: Sure. One human in a den of vampires. I can’t imagine a better way to spend the evening.

CULLENS: Edward! Finally got yourself a girlfriend, we see.
ALICE CULLEN: Told you he wasn’t gay. I have foresight, people.
BELLA: So… pretty…

EMMETT CULLEN: Thunderstorm! Let’s go outside and play ball!
CULLENS: In the forest! With lots of potential lightning rods trees surrounding us!
BELLA: *comes along*

OTHER VAMP COVEN: HAI CULLENS. Don’t mind us, we’re just the into-humans variety.
EDWARD: Not mine, you aren’t.
JAMES, not a vegetarian: Oooh nice. Your own floral bouquet.
BELLA: Is he talking about me?
ALICE: Unfortunately, yes.

PLOT: Hello, nice to meet you on page 485.

CULLENS: Oops. Now must hide you quick.
BELLA: Sure. I can use a few days off school. Let’s go home!
CULLENS: This girl, she genius or what? Let’s go to Phoenix where there’s a ton of sunlight! But yes, to Phoenix we will go, with our frequent flyer miles we might even get you a free ticket. Not that we need to. Living forever has its benefits.
ALICE: Plus I can foresee market trends! Recognize!

BELLA: Oh Phoenix, you so boring when I have to stay inside.
Jasper Cullen: Food, yum.
BELLA: ?
ALICE: Don’t worry, he’s new to this ‘vegetarian’ thing.
BELLA: You have no idea how this reassures me.

JAMES: Hello, little floral bouquet! Do you want to talk to your mother?
BELLA: *gasp* No!
JAMES: I anticipate tasting your blood because I am evil and written this way. Don’t take it personally. Besides, what fun hunting you down with six vampire protectors!
BELLA: I hope you reincarnate as a slug.

ALICE: Everything’s fine. I keep getting these flashes of the future but it’s also fine.
BELLA: Do you see the absolute future?
ALICE: Not only naive, also doesn’t read much fantasy. In one word: no.
BELLA: Oh. Good.

BELLA: James, if you promise not to harm my mother I will let you kill me?
JAMES: Really?
BELLA: What do you think? I’m here in front of you.
JAMES: Bwhahahaha. I shall indulge in some sadism and waste my meal on mirrors.
BELLA: Wha-? My mother’s not here.
JAMES: You are stupid. Also, dance studio mirrors hurt when you are thrown into them, don’t they?
BELLA: I guess we’ll never know because you are killing me!

EDWARD: Bella? Bella, are you alright?
BELLA: I … am in heaven? Ooooh angelic, velvety voice.
EDWARD: Bella, you idiot.
BELLA: Oh. That’s Edward for sure.

DR. CULLEN: *stitches Bella up without anesthetic*
RENEE, the mom: Bella, my baby, are you alright?!
BELLA: I was just clumsy. Again.
RENEE: Oh, do be careful darling. Remember the 62178321839093 times you fell down the stairs?
CHARLIE: I am still in Forks, but you’re grounded, young lady!

EDWARD: I love you.
BELLA: I love you too.

End Twilight.

READERS: Wait! Why is there an apple on the cover?
ME: Because the woman is Christian and she is good at hitting people over the head with allegories.

Commentary/Ramblings:

– So, basically, if you’re clumsy and cute and defenseless, sooner or later a gorgeous guy is going to come along and sweep you off your feet. Then he will take care of you forever and ever. Man, I want a boyfriend like that. Oh wait, I don’t like cuddling up to frozen marble. Oh well, too bad.

– This is actually just from what I remember off the top of my head. If I’ve left anything out, please do tell me.

– Stats: 1718 words!

Hope you enjoyed! (That’s 512 pages you just avoided reading. Think of the trees!)

Sevenses

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  1. irugnotmis
    Wednesday, May 28, 2008 at 3:01 pm

    wow a relatively short entry from you

    • Vivian Pryde
      Friday, April 2, 2010 at 10:51 pm

      May I say that you win at life and deserve a hug for this? I choked through the first book a few months ago to understand what all the hype was about. This recap is exactly how I felt during the entire book, and the ‘hello plot, nice to meet you on page 485’ articulated my precise sentiments about this ‘poison.’
      Thank you so much!

      P.S. let the record show that I am a fourteen year old girl. Teenage girl fan haters, we really exist!

  2. sevenses
    Wednesday, May 28, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    Hee. That’s because I loathe the source material. (Have you read the poison that is Twilight?)

  3. flyingcrispi
    Wednesday, May 28, 2008 at 4:36 pm

    Holy cow! Cedric Diggory is aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!!!! And there are shirtless boys… I’m sooooo watching this!
    (I was in a lmao-state at the end of every paragraph, very well done, sevenses!)

    Some sentences I particularly enjoyed :

    “Bella: Sure. One human in a den of vampires. I can’t imagine a better way to spend the evening.”

    “Edward: For the love of human blood, no.”

    “The next few weeks: The timeline is fuzzy because the author wanted them to fall in love right away, but didn’t want it to seem too fast.”

    And last but not least…

    “Bella: OMGWTFBBQ.”

  4. Idabi
    Wednesday, May 28, 2008 at 8:49 pm

    HAHAHA!!! I couldn’t stop laughing nonstop! I love your witty sarcasm!

  5. sevenses
    Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 9:19 pm

    Thank you! *blushes*

  6. Neechan
    Friday, May 30, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    I want to read this book for the lolz. 😀 For lack of anything better, i went on the website and got the first chapter of …Midnight Sun?( in which its Twilight from Vamp!CedricEdward’s POV)

    hahahahahahahaha SOO FULL OF HORMONES LIKE WHOA
    Chap 1
    Ed: we vamps. we dangerous. Humans stupid chatter, humans yummy, but we not eat hum… WHOA YUMMY HUMAN GIRL YUMMY! mustnotmustnotsavemedaddy *salivates*

    MAJOR LOLZ I am soo entertained, it’s like reading properly done Mary Sue. 😛

  7. Moe
    Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 6:28 am

    I love that part, haha:
    Emmett Cullen: Thunderstorm! Let’s go outside and play ball!
    Cullens: In the forest! With lots of potential lightning rods trees surrounding us!
    Bella: *comes along*

    Seriously, the book is so bad in many ways. Mary Sue and Gary Stu main characters, nonexistent plot.
    The part that confused me the most was when they were suddenly in love. I was like: WTF, when did that happen?!

    But I loved your entry. So full of nice sarcasm. n_n

  8. dragonqueen
    Thursday, August 21, 2008 at 8:03 am

    Read the book, like it but i have to admit, this IS 100% accurate.

  9. Lou
    Saturday, August 23, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    Buahahahaha! Oh man, this is LOVE. ❤
    Can’t believe you actually lived through reading that poison though… Kudos to you! And I love your witty sarcasm, as always. 😀

  10. dragonqueen
    Monday, September 8, 2008 at 9:48 am

    sevenses, dont think of me as a crazy, obsessed fan of the Twilight series, but i am doing a “zine” for a school project on it and request permission to put a part mockumentry in it, including credit to u and a link to ur blog so curious readers can find out the rest of it. Plz allow this.

  11. dragonqueen
    Monday, September 8, 2008 at 9:49 am

    sevenses, dont think of me as a crazy, obsessed fan of the Twilight series, but i am doing a “zine” for a school project on it and request permission to put a part mockumentry in it, including credit to u and a link to ur blog so curious readers can find out the rest of it. If u allow me i thank you a million times but if u dont allow this i promise to do nothing. Plz allow it.

  12. sevenses
    Monday, September 8, 2008 at 10:51 am

    Lol, I’m flattered! Go ahead, and good luck with the zine!

  1. Wednesday, December 10, 2008 at 11:12 pm

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