Stephen King disses Twilight

Well, it had to happen sometime.

Twihards of various shapes and stripes are waxing outraged at his ‘harsh words’ and calling King out on being a ‘jealous elitist’.

(BRB, ROFLMAO.)

Seriously, though, a writer as prolific and successful as Stephen King, jealous of SMeyer? HA. Note how the more successful author between the two women, Rowling, gets the thumbs up from him. And good on him for being unafraid to say what a lot of people have been thinking for ages.

(Also, someone made Bella’s womb in wool felt. EWWWWWWWWW. I MEAN, WHAT. THE. FUCK??!)

Edward Body Glitter

GUYS I AM NOT KIDDING YOU, THERE IS TWILIGHT VAMPIRE GLITTER FOR SALE.

NOW YOU CAN HAVE THE SKIN OF A KILLER TOO.

*DIES*

ETA: OMFG NOW THERE’S A BEDSHEET SET. WTF WORLD. THERE IS NO DEGREE OF CAPSLOCKING THAT REPRESENTS MY CHAGRIN.

Sevenses

Twilight Post Mortem

Well… I am glad I didn’t contribute to that?

Twilight made more than $70 million in its opening weekend, beating back Quantum of Solace and Bolt to grab first place. This means that New Moon filming goes ahead – and if it does well, I expect that we’ll be subjected to the mania for Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.

My only consolation is that now we get to see Renesmee’s birth scene, because, daaaaamn if I can figure out a way for that part in the movie to be included without traumatizing all the tweens in the audience.

*sigh*

And this means that I will not be posting about Twilight for a long while, thanks be.

Sevenses

[In housekeeping: Was ambushed by molecular biology final exam in some random dark alley and beaten with an aluminum baseball bat. Will probably recover, and ... well. There are other exams. Right?]

13 Reasons why I don’t like Twilight

Wow. WordPress does not want me to write about Twilight. I had this post all written out and then it just got lost. Grr.

In sum, since the Canadian release date of Twilight is coming up (November 21st, I believe), quite a lot of attention is being paid to the series, and some friends are bewildered about my lack of willingness to go see the movie. Now, most of my nearests and dearests have already remarked my tendency to go off on a flouncy tantrum whenver people mention Twilight, SMeyer, or Bella + Edward = tu wuv. (And less flatteringly, sometimes I foam at the mouth and have to be restrained with a gag.)

Quite frankly, I refuse to enrich a franchise that is based on such total utter dross. There, I’ve said it. I think the Twilight books are trash, and I have many, many issues with them, even without mentioning the laughable writing quality. (Ranting and meta-analysis essays ahead, feel free to skip, flames will be used to warm me through the coming winter.)

All of the issues would seriously not matter if there wasn’t such a large following of young, impressionable young women reading and taking these books to be their ‘bible’ on dating and love and life. The contingent of housewives who, for one reason or another, worship the ground Edward walks on, well… that’s their problem.

(I would like to raise a few points with the publisher for printing shit, but then goodness knows that they care about profit, not quality.)

Now you’re saying, what do you actually not like about the books (aside from the obvious lack of brain and editing), Sevenses?

1) Define yourself by your boyfriend, Bella, there’s a good way to be a self-actualized woman. “Not a wolf girl” and “I was his” gets tossed around a lot. She also has no personality outside of ‘Edward doesn’t like me, Edward does like me, why does Edward like me, Edward, Edward, Edward.’ Do I need to tell you why this is wrong, or can I just assume all of you know and we can move on to more outrage?

2) Meeting obsessed – most emphatically not meeting cute. HE WATCHES HER SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG. Guys, do I need to go on? He follows her around, in her house, when she’s cooking, when she’s out for a night with the girls and when she’s sleeping, apparently unaware that there’s freaking stalker right there IN HER ROOM, omg, whut. On the other hand, all she does is think about him and moon and not pay any attention to people around her and omg Edward loves her thus Bella’s life is complete! He talks down to her, like she is a child that constantly needs things explained to her. This is the love of the ages? This is what we’re supposed to aspire to for a perfect marriage?
Let us keep in mind that when they met, Bella was only attracted to the surface hotness of Sir Edward Cullen, Esq. And in return, he was fascinated with how much he didn’t know about her thoughts. And then, two weeks later, they both decide rather like Romeo and Juliet that they’re oh so much in love and need the other like oxygen (err, only metaphorically in Ed’s case). What. The. Hell.
(And, by the way, Romeo and Juliet wouldn’t have lasted.)

3) The only womb is apparently one that reproduces – a viewpoint espoused by Esme, Rosalie, Bella and now Leah … that’s practically a roll call of the female characters. At no point does she present a woman who is self-actualized and happy without feeling the need for a ‘babby‘. Breaking Dawn is all about the baby, and while I think mother love is one of the most powerful forces in the world, if your entire life just revolved around your child… there’s a problem (both for you and the child, actually, and please someone stop me from segueing into child development RIGHT NOW). If you mention Alice, well… the girl’s clairvoyant and pretty much doesn’t think, ever. She just acts on her visions. (Also, if you know your Freud, she’s pretty much in the latent state of things.)

Twilight Trailer

Twilight the movie will be released November 21, come hell or high water. (fc wanted to know how bad it was, well, now you can see.)

Oh, Twilight. I don’t even know where to start. The corny! The Leap of Doom! The Hair trying to speak American English! James! (Oh dear, James, he’s a topic all on his own.)

I shall not be in a movie theatre come the 21st. (Also, exams, thank you.)

Sevenses

Twilight Goodies

I hope that you all know what kind of Twilighter I am by now (the type that mocks, hon), and thus I have compiled a list of sites for your jollification on the subject. I hope you enjoy, and take this in the spirit it is given.

Warnings for spoilers, swearing, lightheartedness, mockery.

- That awesome pictorial guide to Breaking Dawn.

- The really really detailed chapter by chapter breakdown of Twilight.

- That insane Twilight comic summary.

- The fanfic that got closer to canon than the writer ever wanted it to be.

- Comic: Bella meets Bella.

- The awesome words of Cleolinda on the entire series.

- When two people turned Edward into a PMS-ing 40-something housewife.

- Robert Pattison thinks Edward is annoying and the book is nuts.

Yours in love and mockery,

Sevenses

P.S. Also, Midnight Sun was leaked. Epically.

Twilight Haters, to the left

OMFG. WHUT? WHERE DOES ONE START??

For Heaven’s sake:
- Amazing book my ass. IT SUCKS.
- We’re actually allowed to dislike books after we’ve read them. It’s called having a brain and possibly taste.
- What business it is of yours if we slag off on the books? It’s the internet, you can click on the close button or not click at all. Also, if you’re such a good judge of quality, why be swayed by others? Unless, of course, this strikes too close to home…
- Last of all, I hope this was a joke. But the inner cynic says it’s not. Too bad.

Still, I say, woman, you have a long way to go before you become Chris Crocker.

Respectfully,

Sevenses