13 Reasons why I don’t like Twilight

Wow. WordPress does not want me to write about Twilight. I had this post all written out and then it just got lost. Grr.

In sum, since the Canadian release date of Twilight is coming up (November 21st, I believe), quite a lot of attention is being paid to the series, and some friends are bewildered about my lack of willingness to go see the movie. Now, most of my nearests and dearests have already remarked my tendency to go off on a flouncy tantrum whenver people mention Twilight, SMeyer, or Bella + Edward = tu wuv. (And less flatteringly, sometimes I foam at the mouth and have to be restrained with a gag.)

Quite frankly, I refuse to enrich a franchise that is based on such total utter dross. There, I’ve said it. I think the Twilight books are trash, and I have many, many issues with them, even without mentioning the laughable writing quality. (Ranting and meta-analysis essays ahead, feel free to skip, flames will be used to warm me through the coming winter.)

All of the issues would seriously not matter if there wasn’t such a large following of young, impressionable young women reading and taking these books to be their ‘bible’ on dating and love and life. The contingent of housewives who, for one reason or another, worship the ground Edward walks on, well… that’s their problem.

(I would like to raise a few points with the publisher for printing shit, but then goodness knows that they care about profit, not quality.)

Now you’re saying, what do you actually not like about the books (aside from the obvious lack of brain and editing), Sevenses?

1) Define yourself by your boyfriend, Bella, there’s a good way to be a self-actualized woman. “Not a wolf girl” and “I was his” gets tossed around a lot. She also has no personality outside of ‘Edward doesn’t like me, Edward does like me, why does Edward like me, Edward, Edward, Edward.’ Do I need to tell you why this is wrong, or can I just assume all of you know and we can move on to more outrage?

2) Meeting obsessed – most emphatically not meeting cute. HE WATCHES HER SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG. Guys, do I need to go on? He follows her around, in her house, when she’s cooking, when she’s out for a night with the girls and when she’s sleeping, apparently unaware that there’s freaking stalker right there IN HER ROOM, omg, whut. On the other hand, all she does is think about him and moon and not pay any attention to people around her and omg Edward loves her thus Bella’s life is complete! He talks down to her, like she is a child that constantly needs things explained to her. This is the love of the ages? This is what we’re supposed to aspire to for a perfect marriage?
Let us keep in mind that when they met, Bella was only attracted to the surface hotness of Sir Edward Cullen, Esq. And in return, he was fascinated with how much he didn’t know about her thoughts. And then, two weeks later, they both decide rather like Romeo and Juliet that they’re oh so much in love and need the other like oxygen (err, only metaphorically in Ed’s case). What. The. Hell.
(And, by the way, Romeo and Juliet wouldn’t have lasted.)

3) The only womb is apparently one that reproduces – a viewpoint espoused by Esme, Rosalie, Bella and now Leah … that’s practically a roll call of the female characters. At no point does she present a woman who is self-actualized and happy without feeling the need for a ‘babby‘. Breaking Dawn is all about the baby, and while I think mother love is one of the most powerful forces in the world, if your entire life just revolved around your child… there’s a problem (both for you and the child, actually, and please someone stop me from segueing into child development RIGHT NOW). If you mention Alice, well… the girl’s clairvoyant and pretty much doesn’t think, ever. She just acts on her visions. (Also, if you know your Freud, she’s pretty much in the latent state of things.)