13 Reasons why I don’t like Twilight

Wow. WordPress does not want me to write about Twilight. I had this post all written out and then it just got lost. Grr.

In sum, since the Canadian release date of Twilight is coming up (November 21st, I believe), quite a lot of attention is being paid to the series, and some friends are bewildered about my lack of willingness to go see the movie. Now, most of my nearests and dearests have already remarked my tendency to go off on a flouncy tantrum whenver people mention Twilight, SMeyer, or Bella + Edward = tu wuv. (And less flatteringly, sometimes I foam at the mouth and have to be restrained with a gag.)

Quite frankly, I refuse to enrich a franchise that is based on such total utter dross. There, I’ve said it. I think the Twilight books are trash, and I have many, many issues with them, even without mentioning the laughable writing quality. (Ranting and meta-analysis essays ahead, feel free to skip, flames will be used to warm me through the coming winter.)

All of the issues would seriously not matter if there wasn’t such a large following of young, impressionable young women reading and taking these books to be their ‘bible’ on dating and love and life. The contingent of housewives who, for one reason or another, worship the ground Edward walks on, well… that’s their problem.

(I would like to raise a few points with the publisher for printing shit, but then goodness knows that they care about profit, not quality.)

Now you’re saying, what do you actually not like about the books (aside from the obvious lack of brain and editing), Sevenses?

1) Define yourself by your boyfriend, Bella, there’s a good way to be a self-actualized woman. “Not a wolf girl” and “I was his” gets tossed around a lot. She also has no personality outside of ‘Edward doesn’t like me, Edward does like me, why does Edward like me, Edward, Edward, Edward.’ Do I need to tell you why this is wrong, or can I just assume all of you know and we can move on to more outrage?

2) Meeting obsessed – most emphatically not meeting cute. HE WATCHES HER SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG. Guys, do I need to go on? He follows her around, in her house, when she’s cooking, when she’s out for a night with the girls and when she’s sleeping, apparently unaware that there’s freaking stalker right there IN HER ROOM, omg, whut. On the other hand, all she does is think about him and moon and not pay any attention to people around her and omg Edward loves her thus Bella’s life is complete! He talks down to her, like she is a child that constantly needs things explained to her. This is the love of the ages? This is what we’re supposed to aspire to for a perfect marriage?
Let us keep in mind that when they met, Bella was only attracted to the surface hotness of Sir Edward Cullen, Esq. And in return, he was fascinated with how much he didn’t know about her thoughts. And then, two weeks later, they both decide rather like Romeo and Juliet that they’re oh so much in love and need the other like oxygen (err, only metaphorically in Ed’s case). What. The. Hell.
(And, by the way, Romeo and Juliet wouldn’t have lasted.)

3) The only womb is apparently one that reproduces – a viewpoint espoused by Esme, Rosalie, Bella and now Leah … that’s practically a roll call of the female characters. At no point does she present a woman who is self-actualized and happy without feeling the need for a ‘babby‘. Breaking Dawn is all about the baby, and while I think mother love is one of the most powerful forces in the world, if your entire life just revolved around your child… there’s a problem (both for you and the child, actually, and please someone stop me from segueing into child development RIGHT NOW). If you mention Alice, well… the girl’s clairvoyant and pretty much doesn’t think, ever. She just acts on her visions. (Also, if you know your Freud, she’s pretty much in the latent state of things.)

Breaking Dawn, recap

All hail the great Cleolinda Jones, who writes better than I do on the subject, but anyway, I couldn’t resist expounding forth on this wonderful 768-page megalith. It will offer me much snorfling in moments of need. Also, needed to get this off my chest. It’s probably not as funny as the other one, but what the hell. The writing quality was better.

Please do enjoy. Flames will be used to make yummy omelette. Warning for lots of capslock abuse, mild language, and definite sporkage of a series that takes itself way too seriously.

Dedicated to Stacy, who loves to mock Twilight (and mock it hard), and Arileen, twihard extraordinaire (where are my Nessi gingerbreads?!).

Have a song while you read: The Aftereffects of May, Belle Epoque

Breaking Dawn – a mockumentary

Preface

Bella: Hi, it’s me, THREATENING TO DIE. (Again.)
Reader 1: I have a feeling I’ve seen this.
Reader 2: I preferred Harry Potter’s brand of near-death, thanks.
Reader 3: Dude, we have 768 pages to go. What’s to bet she’s going to live?
All: Forgot about that.

Book one – Bella

Bella: OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOO WHY ALL THIS ATTENTION, I DO NOT MERIT IT, I ONLY HAVE A REALLY EXPENSIVE UNRELEASED CAR, ACCEPTANCE TO AN IVY LEAGUE THAT I DID NOT EARN, A BLACK CARD AND A HOT BOYFRIEND WHO GIVES ME WHAT I WANT (AND WHAT I DON’T WANT, ON OCCASION). WOE.
Tourists: Chill, woman. Also, can we take piccies?
Bella: WHY AM I DOOMED TO A LIFE OF SCRUTINY?!
Forks: We have no lives and thus feel compelled to stare at a black car. Ooh shiny.
Reader: … 7 pages of …? This is what I paid for?

Breaking Dawn leaked

Apparently some random gorcery store released Breaking Dawn early and the first 7 chapters were available in .pdf format. I took a peek, and really, I don’t really see why throngs of people are killing each other for the thing. I waited until the official release date came to air my two cents, and just a warning, long rant ahead. Stephenie Meyer makes me want to blog about books like no other, though I’m not sure this is a good thing.

First, a short synopsis of the first 7 chapters – I read the beginning and end of New Moon, and barely skimmed through Eclipse, so reading all seven chapters was already a feat, but I will admit that it was all I could do to not throw my poor Chisu across the room at times.

Bella gets engaged to Edward, has a sumptuous wedding, a rather disastrous encounter with the erstwhile missing Jacob, goes off on a tropical island with Edward to honeymoon, has bruising sex and then ends knocked up. Also add a bit panicking, angsting and lots of purple prose.

See? I can be concise.

Now, for the rant.

Bella spends the entire first chapter bemoaning her fate, because her gorgeous, hunky (as in marble) boyfriend bought her a super expensive car that hasn’t been released in Europe or North America yet (um, so where is it released? Sir Edward Cullenland?). It’s so HORRIBLE to have someone literally shower you with money. Yup. So first chapter = Bella going, STOP STARING AT ME. She hates the attention so much she needs to mention it for 7 pages straight.

And what are the chances of two car-savvy people noticing it in tiny Forks and then taking photos of the car?

Whatever. Putting that down to serendipity.

The wedding bits were okay, typical mush fare, and Jacob’s presence provided some common sense (such as: Bella, do not have sex with a super strong vampire who may rip you to bits in the heat of passion) but alas, he was shot down. And really, Bella’s kind of insensitive (to others – she’s plenty sensitive for herself) to poor Jake here. Here’s to hoping he finds a gorgeous gal who appreciates him and has her head screwed on right. (Or you know, Seth would work too.)

So, Bella is dragged along to some tropical island off the coast of Brazil. It’s called… wait for it… Isle Esme. Yup. Then there’s this whole bit about Edward angsting that he bruised Bella all over during their first night of sex, and I applaud Bella’s ability to not feel an entire body-full of bruising. Then there’s more angst and unhappiness, interrupted by Bella’s nightmares about baby vampires and eating lots of nice healthy proteins like eggs, bacon and the like.

As if all those nightmares and sudden outbursts of longing for an adorable green-eyed baby weren’t obvious enough, Bella realizes one morning, after copious vomiting (don’t ask), that she’s missed her period by five days. And that her belly is uh. Distinctly in a delicate way.

Note that ONLY 17 DAYS HAVE PASSED SINCE THEY FIRST HAD SEX.

Basic biology going for a roller coaster ride? If she’s throwing up, getting a bump and feeling movement, then she’s already in the end of her first trimester. The first trimester, as the name implies, is 3 months long. WTF?? S.M. has been pregnant before. She knows what’s up. If Bella has a demon vampire baby that results in accelerated pregnancy, I am going to call shenanigans. Also, S.M.’s explanation of why girl vampires can’t be pregnant/boy vampires are fertile is absolute crap. The human body needs to change to produce zygotes in both genders, you twat. Albeit less change happens in the male, but it’s still change.

Anyway, this book is basically all drama-drama-drama. Plus babies. I think I’ll skip, thanks, though I want to know what happens to Jacob. I just can’t stand Bella anymore. Auuuugh.

Going in search of some brain bleach now,

Sevenses

It struck me as I was reading that we really need a new category of Sue-dom. I vote we call the new one Bella Sue, for all twee heroines who moan and groan and can’t do anything but end up landing a stupendous guy (made of marble, let’s not forget, thank you, S.M.) who tolerates and loves her idiot ways.