01. Mulan’s Star/木兰星 – Jane Zhang
02. Mulan’s Love/木兰情 – Stephanie Sun
I think everyone knows the story by now, what with the Disney adaptation, which was rather good given their usual idiocy. But anyway! China’s favourite female hero gets a serious live action treatment, with Zhao Wei starring as the eponymous general.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Hua Mulan, live action 2009, starring Zhao Wei.
Presenting Mulan, the fiercest of them all.
This seems appropriate, right before the Oscars.
Please delete 24 hours after downloading, or whatever your regional laws demand.
1. Star Trek
2. Nailin’ the Kelvin
3. Labour of Love
4. Hella Bar Talk
5. Enterprising Young Men
6. Nero Sighted
7. Nice to Meld You
8. Run and Shoot Offense
9. Does It Still McFly?
10. Nero Death Experience
11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns
12. Back From Black
13. That New Car Smell
14. To Boldly Go
15. End Credits
Michael Giacchino has the worst taste in naming. Ever.
- Nero Death Experience? Nice to Meld You? REALLY??
- That nice, mellow Vulcan track that plays whenever Spock’s being a woobie? Is named That New Car Smell. I want to die.
So, the formal review will be up at dramabeans.com, yay for me actually pulling myself together enough to write again. But I know you’re not here to listen to me whinge, so here’s something funny for you to take home.
Also: strong R warning for language. Adult movie = adult recap.
Frozen Flower, the parody
PROLOGUE, SO THE PLEBES WILL UNDERSTAND: In the year of Tumpty-tumpty-tumpty-one there was a king who wanted to rule a happy realm full of well-fed people, kittens, puppies, and rainbow sparklepires. Well, what he got was a pretty troop of cute boys all in purple because the evil Mongolian nomads of the Yuan dynasty were oppressing (read: being stronger than) the noble and long-suffering country of Goryeo. They functioned as royal bodyguards and generally beat the crap out of anyone who twitched incorrectly at the king.
AUDIENCE: … You could have just said he wanted a reverse harem.
PROLOGUE: LOOK, I DON’T WRITE THIS STUFF, OKAY? Moving on!!
ME: Incidentally this is also the last bit of historical stuff in the movie. So sit back and enjoy, guys.
I watched Star Trek last week and gaping plot holes aside, a few similarities to Star Wars (the originals) jumped out at me. I think it’s quite amusing that Abrams chose to follow the somewhat stereotypical format, but the movie is entertaining, so we’ll leave it at that.
- A young blond boy drives really, really fast.
- The main bad guy suffers the loss of his young, pregnant wife and subsequently goes off into the rails of crazy.
- Some old wise dude blames himself for all the death and destruction that happens.
- A Very Important Planet is Destroyed.
- The hero does not get the girl, his second-in-command/best friend (sorta) does.
- The hero also did not know his father, and goes on to follow his footsteps.
- There is a wrinkly green alien who looks like a reincarnated tennis ball.
- The really weird uniforms/costumes. (Though Zoe Saldana rocks those boots.)
And just for fun:
- How many times does Kirk get choked by angry people intent on ending him? Also, he spends most of the action scenes dangling off some sort of cliff/sheer edge.
- You will never be able to convince me that Iowa has a giant chasm running through the middle of the state. (Trust me, I’ve lived there. It’s all plains and cornfields.)
- You will also never be able to convince me that Kirk managed to climb up an icy cliff without his gloves on. (Or for that matter, his coat.) I don’t care if he had acclimatization training in the Antarctic, that’s just not possible without frostbite.
- By normal Hollywood standards, the hero would be dating the girl, super good at kicking ass, struggling to accept himself and thus Kirk is actually not the hero. Spock is.
- Eomer is McCoy. I will never get past that. (McCoy: Space is death and disease wrapped in darkness and silence. Kirk: Hate to break it to ya, but Starfleet operates in space.)
- Uhura is good at what she does, has Spock completely whipped and isn’t defined by her relationships with the men around her. Plus, WOC. *fist pump*
- SULU IS AWESOME.
Okay, done now.
How did you like the movie?
I think I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.
These both depict the main characters from the popular TV show Avatar – one from the original cartoon, and one from the feature film due to be released in 2010.
[Insert Asian outrage.]
If this gets to you, here’s a link to the petition protesting the Avatar casting.
What with all the recent squealing about Merlin and now this, people are probably starting to suspect some sort of ‘gay agenda’ on my part. (Ahaha, gay agenda. God, the things we do to words.)
All I can say is, wait til I write my post on Antique.
(But seriously, if you’re disturbed by all this talk of gay subtext, please go and watch some SuJu videos, because there’s nothing like blatant gay overtext to desensitize you. Subtext will be around for a long time.)
Have I told anyone lately that Cleolinda Jones is made of Awesomesauce? No? Well, there ya go.
She is made of awesome, and what’s more, she’s written out Twilight the movie in condensed form for your edification and fun.
Warning: Do not eat/drink while reading her recap, you (and nearby objects/people) will regret it.
Some of my fav quotes:
BELLA: We’re gonna be all right, pet cactus. We’re gonna be all right.
[Also, James has no shirt. This is important. I mean, just for life in general.]
BELLA: And that was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen, although for some reason I chose to imagine him lurking in the corner of my room like a complete psychopath.
[Honey, that's what you think.]
EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
BELLA: VAMPIRE, OKAY? VAMPIRE
TWILIGHT FANS: ZOMG HIS COUCH IS NOT BLACK AND BELLA IS NOT WEARING A BLUE V-NECK AND–
HARRY POTTER FANS: *FLAMETHROWER*
JAMES: YOU BROUGHT A SNACK.
EDWARD: *DRAMATIC PRAIRIE DOG*
BELLA: What… what happened?
BELLA’S MOM: Well, you ran away from home and that nice Cullen family went after you but then you fell down two flights of stairs in the hotel. And through a window. A closed window. Now, how the piano and the anvil fell on you after that, I don’t know. Look! That pretty Cullen boy has been watching you sleep the whole time!
BELLA: Yeah… he does that.
Read Twilight in 15 Minutes here.
I will probably not do my own parodycap of the movie. I mean, aren’t you people tired of me ranting about Twilight yet? (Also, Cleo clearly owns.) ;D
[ETA: Also, these things called exams, they are sort of here and totally laying waste to my brain.]
I wanted to do a serious write-up, but then I realized that most of it would involve “Then Tsukasa looked at Tsukushi with yearning, though she didn’t notice because she was off on another angstfest.” And that would not be fun at all. So, parodycap it is, though I love the series very much, it is prone to overdramatization and thus easy to mock.
Well, I think you already knew this was coming, so you know, not really a spoiler. I’m going to miss my mindlessly gratifying shoujo moments, aren’t I? (Don’t really want to watch the Kr version, will probably just read javabeans’ recaps.)
Arashi – One Love : This is the song that plays at the end of the movie. [Download]
Hana Yori Dango Finale, a parodycap: