Painted Skin, a parody
Because I mock things for fun? Parody/recap of the recently released movie Painted Skin, in which lots of hot people starred and abuse of ancient ghost/horror stories was central to the plot.
So, just as a refresher (if you want the entire plot of the original story, please go here):
Vicki Zhao is Pei Rong, wife of Wang Sheng (also foremost cosmetics dealer in the city – hey, people would probably kill for her complexion)
Chen Kun is Wang Sheng, leader of the city troops (and … not much else, as it appears)
Donnie Yen is Pang Yong, a martial arts expert (who really, really likes his rice vodka)
Zhou Xun is Xiao Wei, an innocently beguiling young lady… or is she?
Sun Li is Xia Bing, a demon hunter (it sounds more glorious than it is)
Qi Yuwu plays Xiao Yi, a salamander demon (it means he eats flies, people)
Painted Skin, a parodycap:
In a city far away, where there is lots of sand and tents…
Lecherous man in tent: I shall ravish you and make you mine and other clichéd things of this genre!
Fetching young lady, aka Xiao Wei: Yeah, whatever, seen it before. *takes his heart out* Yuck, did he bathe this week?
Old lech: *bleeds on the coverlets* *is dead*
Wang Sheng: I am cutting my way through the enemy! I could have done like Genghis Khan and chopped the tent supports before setting everything on fire, but you can see how that would not be heroic enough.
Other supporting actors: Dammit, this armour is heavy.
Xiao Wei: Human heart, nom nom.
Wang Sheng: Killing my way into the tent! Waylaying all enemy soldiers! Don’t you just love my dusty chiselled features?
Xiao Wei: I’d hit that, but I am NAKED here.
Wang Sheng: Huh. War booty. *takes*
Director: Excellent, to showcase my curtain choreography skills I must.
Xiao Wei: Welcome to the Land of People Attractive Enough for a Thousand-Year-Old Fox Demon. Population: You!
Wang Sheng: *flourishes* *twirls* *beheads*
Me: Her demonic pheromones brings all the boys to the yard, damn right, they’re better than yours…
Back in a land which the audience hopes is saner…
Pei Rong: Welcome back, dearest husband!
Wang Sheng: Do you like my war booty?
Pei Rong: Are you referring to that ravishing beauty whom everyone is swooning over?
Wang Sheng: *looks shifty* Maybe?
Pei Rong: *sigh* We should do something about that ADHD of yours. Remember that time you brought a puppy home and it gave the majordomo rabies?
Wang Sheng: … ra-bies?
Pei Rong: Massage time, big boy.
Wang Sheng: Bubble bath!
Pei Rong: No, MASSAGE. You’d think they would teach the general of an entire city’s army proper communication skills.
Rubber ducky: SQUEAK. Also, they are most emphatically in love.
Wang Sheng: Bom … chicka … bow … wow? (A/N: No, seriously, this is one of the most protracted sex scenes I’ve seen in a while. Sensual = slow, apparently.)
Audience: We get it, you’re having se- oooooooooooooh Vicki Zhao’s legs are really nice. Also other bits, we think.
Pei Rong: Well you think it’s your wife but I’m actually that Hot Girl you brought back from the desert!
Wang Sheng: ARGH!
The real Pei Rong: *is actually asleep*
Wang Sheng: Haha, ha… ha. Was not tempted at all. Nope. I love my wife!
Timeline? What timeline?
Wang Sheng: People keep dying. Obviously someone is killing them. Go forth and multiply!
Subordinate comes up and whispers in his ears.
Wang Sheng: OH. I meant, go forth and find that heart-stealing murderer!
All: All hail the leerless feeder!
It’s New Year’s! Who knew? Certainly not the audience, because there is actually no snow on the ground and people are sashaying around in fall clothing…
Pang Yong: Oh therrrrrrrrrrrre was once a lonesome warrior, and he had only his faaaaaaaaaaaaithful steed…
Innkeeper: … Your cash, sir.
Pang Yong: Mah horse should do the trick, you cretinous doorman.
Innkeeper: Okay already, no need to be insulting.
Xia Bing: Oh therrrrrrrrrrrrrre was once an incompetent demon hunter, and she had only her useless knick-knaaaaaaaacks!
Xia Bing: I know. I told the director that showing we are soulmates didn’t have to involve us making the same entrance (and thereby causing Sevenses to think she had aural hallucinations), but did he listen? NO.
Pang Yong: Vodka! Noodle soup! Vodka! Meat! Vodka! Wenches!
Xia Bing: I’ll have the last of the vodka, thanks.
Xia Bing: If he wants alcohol tonight, he’s going to have to share.
Audience: Ohoho. Subtle.
Pang Yong: *falls face first in food*
Pei Rong: I can see this is not going to be the most effective demon hunting team ever.
Pang Yong: Anything you desire of me, dearest lady, you shall only have to ask!
Xia Bing: I’m not here, nope, ignore the stranger at the table who could potentially blab all your secrets to the city.
Me: I knew there was a reason Pei Rong and Wang Sheng are together.
Pang Yong: So, what’s up with you? Finally tired of the pretty boy? Ready to throw yourself back into the grizzled but loving arms of yours truly?
Pei Rong: Um, not so much. But how much do you know about demons?
Pang Yong: I hate my life.
In the Land of Flashbacks…
Pei Rong: I cut her with scissors but there was no wound! The customers go all fuzzy-eyed and obey her commands! I had a daoist master check and he confirmed my suspicions, but then the next day he turns up dead and heartless in the town square!
Me: And probably the milk goes sour, she floats when you’re not looking, the compasses go out of whack, and all the wildlife flee the house.
Audience: And to think, Pei Rong didn’t even see the box full of sliced human hearts that Xiao Wei’s demon friend brought in that other night…
Pang Yong: Maybe they’re all coincidences.
Pei Rong: The killings started right when she got here!
Pang Yong: Okay, I’ll see what I can do.
Pei Rong: Thanks. Here’s some money.
Xia Bing: Oh good, you can pay the tab!
Pang Yong: I hate my life.
A Day In the Life of the Wang Household…
Xiao Wei: I feel pretty, oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity any girl who isn’t me tonight. Lalalala~
Audience: Wow, that’s a nice-
Me: Say kimono and I will cut you.
Audience: … er, haircut?
Ducks: Fooooooooooooooooooood. I mean, quack.
Pei Rong: *facepalm*
A Little Later…
Xia Bing, Pang Yong and random soldier: Wang Sheng, you harbour a demon in your house!
Wang Sheng: Welcome, older brother, into my home! See how happily Pei Rong and I are married?
Xia Bing: Demonesssssssssss!
Xiao Wei: Don’t look at me. I’m completely innocent, I tell you.
Wang Sheng: Surely you are all mistaken.
Pei Rong: I believe them. No, seriously, when have you ever known me to be wrong?
Wang Sheng: You have a point. Examine her and then put her under quarantine then.
All the other men: Noooooo!
Xiao Wei: You say there is a demon’s mark on me but I’m a skin demon so you know what? Perfection.
Me: It’s under her hair.
Pei Rong: Oops.
Xia Bing: Demoness!
Xiao Wei: This is getting old.
Xia Bing: Well, if she doesn’t get the hearts, she’ll turn into an ugly … thing. *hunkers down and waits*
Xiao Yi: I am invisible, alalala, have some hearts, milady.
Xiao Wei: *snerk*
Pang Yong and Xia Bing: *fail at demon hunting*
Xiao Yi: Haha, suckers! Nothing can beat my invisibility cloak.
Hermione Granger: I feel compelled at this juncture to point out that you are in fact a chameleon demon and thus blend into the background. No cloaking for you.
Xiao Yi: Awww.
Everyone: Hey, that Pang Yong dude looks like he’s rilly strong and good at killing people.
10 seconds later:
Everyone: Pang Yong’s the demon!
Pei Rong: *facepalm*
House of Only Half-Hearted Sin…
Pei Rong: Okay, Xiao Wei, I’m sorry for accusing you for being a demon, and I really liked you before, let’s go back to sisterly devot- are you paying attention to me?
Xiao Wei: Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your wife, no way, no way, I think you need a new one.
Wang Sheng: Um…
Xiao Wei: You’re so fine, I want you mine!
Pei Rong: I see this is not going to be the most subtle extra-marital affair.
Xiao Wei: Seriously, you could do so much better.
Wang Sheng: I love my wife! *flees with Pei Rong*
Xiao Wei: Aw damn, foiled.
Pei Rong: Hey, you totally do dig Xiao Wei. I won’t mind if you take her as a second wife.
Me: She’s lying about being okay with it. Also, read history, it helps.
Wang Sheng: Dude, I was so totally trying to come onto you. We are in bed. Is nothing sacred?
Pei Rong: Seriously, if you like her that much, just take her.
Wang Sheng: She’s not a demon.
Me: They’re doing that married couple thing of talking about completely different things at the same time, aren’t they?
Wang Sheng: Hot damn! A naked girl in a pool!
Xiao Wei: See, told you it was love.
Wang Sheng: Must. Not. Succumb.
Xiao Wei: I’ll take you to the candy shop…
Wang Sheng: What? No! I didn’t ask for sexy talk! Omg, room service!
Wang Sheng: Oh thank god that was a nightmare too. I still love my wife. Sort of. Will go for a walk in the night to calm self.
Me: Why am I not surprised that he ends up right in front of Xiao Wei’s door? *facepalm*
Xiao Wei: Yay my voodoo charms worked! Now for my real talents, which coincidentally cannot be mentioned in polite company.
Pei Rong: Guys if you are going to sleep with each other at least SHUT THE DOOR.
Wang Sheng: You have no faith in meeeeeeeee! *flounces off*
Pei Rong: Sorry, he has ADHD, brb.
Xiao Wei: Foiled, again.
Pei Rong: Just marry her, dammit.
Wang Sheng: I don’t love her!
Pei Rong: LIAR.
Wang Sheng: I ANGST PRETTILY AT THIS LACK OF TRUST.
Me: Dudes, stop digging yourselves into a bigger hole.
Pei Rong: Hey little sister, don’t worry, I’ll talk him around OMG WTH YOU’RE PEELING YOUR SKIN OFF.
Xiao Wei: Why yes, I am actually a demon, what a surprise! Hee.
Pei Rong: What do you want with my husband?
Xiao Wei: What does every demon want with a virile, handsome man? *puts skin back on*
Xiao Wei: Hey, random soldier!
Random soldier: OMG IT’S XIAO WEI MAY I HAVE YOUR SIGNATURE AND POSSIBLY LICK YOUR EAR?
Pei Rong: Um, no, bad idea!
Xiao Wei: Mmm, heart.
Random soldier: OH SHIIII- *dies*
Pei Rong: !!!
Xiao Wei: Hee.
Pei Rong: If I promise to die will you leave my husband alone?
Xiao Wei: Would you do this if you didn’t think your husband loved me?
Pei Rong: Probably not. But I will trust a murderous demon to keep her word and not kill people after I die and no one actually knows it’s a demon.
Xiao Wei: Stupid, but I don’t care. Have some poison, and make sure to tell everyone you’re the demon before you die.
Pei Rong: *turns into white-haired demon look-alike*
Everyone else: Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel de demonesssssssssss!
Wang Sheng: Busy sulking, go away.
Pang Yong: I’m in your city, saving your wife.
Xia Bing: Hey!
Pang Yong: With my cute boyish friend.
A Mysterious Cavern…
Pei Rong: Tell… him… I…
Pang Yong: Damn, woman, why’d you drink that poison?
Xia Bing: Time to use Anduril Demonsbane my grandfather’s sword.
Soldiers: This is not going to be the most subtle demonslaying expedition ever.
Wang Sheng: Back, you philistines.
Pei Rong: Live… happily… with… her…
Wang Sheng: *headdesk*
Pei Rong: I’m… serious…
Wang Sheng: Just tell me this – are you the demoness?
Pei Rong: …yes…
Pang Yong: She’s lying!
Wang Sheng: Even if you are a demoness, I still love you. I’ll always love you.
Pei Rong: I can die happy now. *stabs self through stomach with Wang Sheng’s sword*
Wang Sheng: *sob*
Xiao Wei: Somehow this is not how I planned it.
Pang Yong: You IDIOTS! *hacks his blade through Xiao Wei’s shoulder*
People: Huh. She’s not dead or bleeding or anything.
Wang Sheng: Give her back, give her back to me! *stabs*
Xiao Wei: Well, shit.
Wang Sheng: No, seriously, give her back. *stabs himself*
My phone: Thank you for calling the Hotline for Romeo-esque Stupidity, please hold, a representative will speak to you shortly.
Xiao Wei: Dammit, he really did kill himself.
Audience: CGI! Also, now she looks like a demoness.
Xiao Yi: Are you just giving your life force out now? Cause I could use some.
Xiao Wei: Hey! Give my life force back!
Pang Yong and Xia Bing: Goshdarnit, we just ran a marathon, and now we have to fight demons?
Fighting: *involves a lot of wires*
Xiao Wei: Eww, dust.
Pang Yong: Kill the demon!
Xiao Yi: Not if I grab you first!
Xia Bing: The sword will kill you too, you know that?
Pang Yong: *impales self and demon*
Xia Bing: WAAAAAAAH DEATH.
Xiao Wei: I will gather the life force and then spread it like Dust falling rain.
Pei Rong, Wang Sheng, Pang Yong and assorted soldiers: *are not dead anymore*
Deus ex machina: Phew.
Xiao Wei: *disintegrates into either a flock of moths or really agile, flying maggots. I’ll go with the first one, thanks*
And they lived on in this small but happy piece of … not forever!
Pei Rong and Wang Sheng: Ta, Pang Yong, and try to come back in one piece next year.
Pang Yong: Wang Sheng, you are so pwned.
Wang Sheng: Shut up.
Xia Bing: You done staring at your ex yet?
Pang Yong: Let’s voyage!
The land of sand, sand, and more sand…
White fox: I watch you winsomely!
Moral: Because true love means killing yourself at random times!
Audience: Wait, what?
Me: I know.
－ Trivia: Apparently it’s very well known that Vicki Zhao and Chen Kun (wife and husband, respectively) are really good friends, and during filming, especially during the sexing, they would burst into unrepentant laughter or sit-ups and had many, many NGs. At one point Chen Kun even declared that it was impossible for him to treat Vicki with passion (and also for Zhou Xun to do the same for him, lol). Is that why they’re so restrained on set, hmm? And here I thought it was just the voluminous robes. (Which, by the way, are not kimono.)
- It could have been so much more, but ya know, that’s the story with almost everything these days. *sigh* At least I had lots of giggling opportunities as I wrote this, yo.
- Now, I may not be the foremost authority on movies, but even I know that this movie does not belong in the same category as The Notebook, Lady Chatterley, and Knocked Up. Incidentally, Imdb suggests all of these movies if you liked Painted Skin. Imdb = fail. Also? Spell the movie by the right name, dammit.
- Hope you enjoyed!